Small Steps
by derekbelcher
Summary: A small introspect into the thoughts of Katniss that takes place after returning to District 12 from the 74th Hunger Games. There is a mix of confusion and a yearning for normal, whatever that may have been before. But what would the future look like if she is able to sort through some of those feelings and come to more concrete decisions? Carries through the tour.
1. Unknown

**A/N: I do not own anything related to the Hunger Games. All credit goes to SC for the characters and the inspiration. This is my first fic attempt. Comments welcome.**

**Update 3/12/13: I am fixing the formatting on each chapter with more line breaks to make it easier to read.**

**Unknown**

Each step. Closer with each step. Within seconds he will be upon me. How could I have been so careless to venture away from my only means of making it out of this _nightmare_? Quickly averting my eyes to the right, I can see where my bow leans precariously against the tree not 25 yards away.

But here I am flat on my back watching as the stealth hunter creeps towards me. Another step. His eyes meet mine. It's now or never. I leap from my shallow hiding spot, and start running in the direction of my only chance. I can almost reach it when I feel the sharp stabbing pain in the middle of my back.

I hit the ground, my head spinning, my breathing becoming erratic. I am still reaching, or at least I think I am, but my arms can't move. I hear him through a small laugh, "Girl on fire." Then a whispered, "this is going to be slow and painful." I see the glimmer of the blade's edge, mixed with what must be some other poor tributes blood. How many has he killed? I will never see her again. I failed to keep my promise. I close my eyes, hearing the sound of the air as his arm brings the blade down into…

Nothing. I open my eyes tentatively and see darkness. I allow myself to draw in a much-needed breath of air, filling my lungs painfully. Then another breath, and this time I let my eyes scan ever so quickly, my dark surroundings.

I swear I can still smell the forest floor, where seconds ago I was slowly losing my life. Another few precious seconds and my mind begins to register the faint smells of my home.

The fresh paint of my new room is foreign, the scented fragrance that permeates my bedding. I slowly rise up to sit on the edge of the bed and continue to try to make sense of where I am and of this new life. This is real. I survived that torment only to be constantly reminded of it in fresh new ways each night. This has become my routine over the past few weeks.

I wonder around the district aimlessly, hunt, search with all my being for a tinge of the life I left here, retire to my new house, and then relive the battles all over again, dying in some horrible way each time. These dreams are so real it makes me wonder if it's not another game the Capitol plays on the victor, some sort of mind-controlling procedure that keeps you afraid of everything around you.

I make my way to the bathroom and spend a few minutes splashing cold water on my face. Trying to wash away the pain and refocus my thoughts. This isn't how I pictured it all those years growing up.

I have always detested the thought of those faces that peered out into the crowd never to return. I never really gave it much thought beyond that. I was never given that luxury – the ability to spend time carelessly thinking about things that weren't part of my life. From the time my father died, it has been up to me to provide. She depends on that. My sister, Prim, is the gentle loving spirit that needs me.

I was never allowed to stop for a minute, for fear I might miss that one opportunity to secure enough food for her to make it. Now, as I turn the water off and reach for the towel I think of how I always imagined that on the rare chance someone from my district could win, that their life would somehow be magical and free.

Freedom. It's a word my father used on one of our first hunting excursions. He was explaining the dangers of being out in the wild, when we came to the perimeter fence. He was quiet and asked me, "What do you hear Katniss?"

I listened with all my might and could hear nothing. "Exactly", he had said. He went on to explain how the peacekeepers wanted us to think that the fence is electrified to keep out the wild animals and protect us.

"But that's not why they do it. There is nothing in the forest beyond this fence that can hurt us, only what can hurt them", he told me. "What can hurt them", I asked? I wasn't even really sure who _them_ was.

Somehow reading my expression of confusion, he explained that the fence wasn't for our protection, but for the Capitol's. The Capitol knows that which lies beyond this fence is the most powerful danger of all – freedom.

Snapping back to the fresh towel I was using to dry my face, I tried to push away the memories of my father. They still stung to the very core of my soul. How distant the idea of freedom now seemed. That's what they wanted you to believe, that the victor was _gifted_ a life of luxury and freedom from the oppression.

But in my short time there in the Capitol, I quickly learned that I was a captive in a whole new way that no one could understand. Well, no one but the boy. He was a new kind of captivity in my life. One I wasn't really sure how to place. I lay back down, but was too nervous and scared to give into sleep, so I stared aimlessly at the ceiling. Being awake brought on fresh new nightmares and anxiety.

I thought of the chilling exchange where I learned that my last attempt at surviving with any bit of sanity had marked me for a life of constant fear and desperation. It has also linked me to a deep deception with the boy, Peeta. Haymitch's words resounded so loud in my head as he told me about the unrest I had caused with those berries.

What I had thought was my only answer to the impossible question of what I was going to do when the gamemakers all but told me I had to kill Peeta, became the very act that would bring a wrath I didn't know existed from _them._ Great, another situation to add to the list of things I needed to be aware of and try to protect my loved ones from. I guess this is where being a hunter made it difficult.

In the woods, keenness and the ability to scan every inch of your surroundings is the key to possibly eating that day. But that same train of thought also made it impossible to forget, even if for just a moment, all that's required as you scanned your environment for danger. In this _game_, that danger included me and those that I loved.

Before the games, it was a little simpler. I had only to provide for me and my family.

Sure, I helped Gale – we helped each other, but when I lay down at night I could let go of any worry and concern for his family, as my only obligation was to Prim and my mother. I never really even worried about Gale.

Again, I wasn't given the time to relax and think about myself and how those around me made me feel. He was my hunting partner and a means to provide for my family. I never allowed the thought of anything deeper than that to invade my mind. It was pointless. I wasn't even sure I would classify him as a close friend – didn't have time for those either.

It wasn't until I was on the stage, and our eyes locked that I realized I might be looking at him for the last time and my heart hurt, if only for a second, it hurt that I never realized what he meant to me.

Those thoughts were quickly overpowered when Effie called his name. Peeta Mellark. In an instant I was back in the alley behind the bakery - cold, wet, and hungry. Not just hungry for food, but hungry for life. It was that close to being unattainable, and then there he was. I watched as his mother scolded him, for what I wasn't sure.

As he stepped out on the porch, I almost couldn't make out his features. It was like a mirage when the bread hit the ground. He had become my one savior, the difference between a sure death and the promise that my life could go on, no matter what the circumstances. He didn't know it, but at that moment he was the source of the spark in my life that made me who I was standing there.

It was also the moment that he took up permanent residence in my heart. Hidden, deep down, under all the priorities in my life, but he stayed there. It was why it was instantly hard to think about having to face him in the arena. It was why I couldn't find the will to end his life and walk away the lone victor. All of these thoughts began to fight for their place in my mind and my head hurt.

The sun's rays beginning to peek through the curtains gave me a momentary moment of peace as I struggled to think about what I would do with this day.


	2. Routines

**A/N: Continuing on the path of discovery. Sorry if the story seems to keep jumping from present to past thoughts and then back again. I thought it was important to try and intermix the thought process that gets our character through each smalls step.**

**Update 3/12/13: Fixed formatting to add more line breaks - easier to read.**

**Routines**

My daily routine was slowly being established. I no longer needed to hunt to provide for my family, but I still felt a need to give to those that were just like me only a few short weeks before. So I hunted for them.

Of course, I had to hunt alone these days as Gale had taken his rightful place among the miners. Six days each week he "slaved" in the depths of the earth. But Sundays were mine. Our first Sunday was so surreal. I had made my way through the town, out into the meadow, and under the fence.

It felt like an eternity, each slow passing second he wasn't there. When I thought he wasn't coming, my heart sank. Then the thoughts began to race and my heartbeat picked up and a cold sweat plagued my body. I had thought of Gale differently during the time in the arena. I think it was Peeta's obvious affection for me that started to stir up feelings that I must have suppressed all those years growing up with Gale.

Peeta's admission of the "crush" during the interview opened up an area of my life I didn't even realize was a part of me. Sure I was a 16 year-old girl and trudging through the middle of normal adolescence as far as hormones were concerned, but my life didn't afford the opportunity to explore any of those feelings. I honestly had never considered myself as _loveable_.

I suppose I always thought Gale looked at me as just a hunting partner with whom he could depend on to help him ensure his family's survival. We had countless conversations and even went down the road of how our life would look when we weren't subjected to the potential horror of a reaping. "I could get married one day," he had said. "Maybe even have a family."

My response was to adamantly affirm the decision I had made when my father died - that I would never get married and never have children. Of course Gale wasn't talking about marrying me. He was thinking hypothetically about some girl who would come along and depend on his ability to care for her and provide for their family. But during the games, and with that door to my heart opened up, I began to think about Gale in a different light.

Not that my love, or any affectionate feeling, came bursting out, but to the possibility that he may have thought about me during those conversations. This, of course, caused distress within me as he became someone else to protect and try to care for. Maybe not physically, but emotionally.

All of these thoughts and feelings were even further confused by the knowledge that Peeta had declared his affection for me. An affection that apparently started when I was just five years-old. I went from being, in my mind, undesirable to being in the middle of a love triangle. That thought made me laugh a little. Those guys had no idea what they were pining for.

But Peeta's declaration added another piece to the compounding issue of having to face him in the arena. I was already sick knowing I may have to kill him, the thought that I never truly thanked him for saving my life, and something else that I couldn't quite put my finger on right then. He was still such a confusing part of my life, but as I reflected on it, he seemed to have always been a part of it.

I was actually thankful for the mentality forced on me during the games, as I was able to convince my mind that everything that happened in the arena was for survival and nothing else. Yes, that's what I told my mind at least a thousand times – in the cave, on the train.

But then that uneasy feeling, the one I couldn't quite put my finger on, still lingered. It was of no surprise to me when I returned to district 12 that I shut him out of my life. That was easier. Now I would simply worry about what damage my _act_ had done to Gale.

So sitting at the edge of the forest counting the impossible seconds Gale wasn't there, I am filled with guilt that I had somehow failed and dashed his hopes of anything more with me.

I am surprised by a fresh wave of anger that I had blown a chance with him, a chance that I didn't even know if I wanted, but nonetheless it was one more thing that I didn't have control of. Then just like that he was there walking toward me.

The sunlight behind him made it impossible to read his reaction until he was right in front of me. The seconds were tense and then he smiled. It was the same smile I remembered all those times we had spent together in the forest. The smile of a friend with nothing else attached. I felt foolish for even allowing my mind to think about anything more between us and then it happened.

Had he planned this all along? Did he watch the games with a feeling of guilt that he never looked at me like this, or made his feelings known? Whatever the reason, his hands were on my face before I could think and then his lips were crashing into mine, a mixture of heat, aw power and desperation. When he backed away, I was still startled and had no idea how to react.

This changed everything. I knew that. I knew I should say something, but the words weren't anywhere to be found. His eyes searched mine for some affirmation that it was ok, but his pained expression told me I must not have given him that affirmation.

He told me that he just had to do that, even if was just for this one time. Maybe it wasn't an act of love and affection, but more an act of overwhelming joy at confirming that I was really still alive.

Whatever the reason, we started to walk into the woods and no words were spoken about the kiss anymore. After an hour or so of hunting, it was almost back to business as usual. On the outside it looked like we picked up right where we left off, but there was an uneasy tension, even if neither of us openly acknowledged it.

I found it strange that in the weeks since I had returned I hadn't really given Peeta much thought at all. I had resolved that it was just simpler to dismiss him and his feelings for me, out of my mind. I took the extra effort to avoid him as much as possible to help make that train of thought more real. It was working, up to the point of that first meeting with Gale.

How had his presence opened that train of thought? It didn't make since to me – at first.

Over the next few weeks I found myself thinking about Peeta more and more. The thoughts were silly really, wondering what he had for breakfast or what he did with his free time. The strange thing about these thoughts is they didn't flood my mind until I was out with Gale.

On those nights as I lay down to sleep, before the nightmares would take hold, I would let my mind drift to the moments Peeta and I had experienced together. Sometimes it was just memories of the train ride to the Capitol, or the food we experienced. The longer I thought about this, the more the memories edged toward the arena – more specifically the cave.

I couldn't deny that something inside me had stirred while we were in the cave.

Now here I was fighting off sleep and the impending return to the nightmares as the sun's first light started to make its presence known. The nightmares had become more and more difficult to deal with, most likely because the victory tour was only days away.

I had dreaded the tour for so many reasons. Mostly, because I would have to look at the faces of 22 other families whose dreams I helped shatter when I walked out of the arena as one of the victors. But I was also dreading the facade of being in love with Peeta.

I knew we would still have to act for the crowds and more importantly the Capitol, but it was going to be especially hard this time around because I knew Peeta wasn't acting. He never had acted.

Then immediately he is in my thoughts again and a familiar feeling begins to fall over me.

It was the unsettling feeling that I couldn't put my finger on before we entered the arena. It was the same feeling that made me call out his name when I learned we could both go home from the games.

It was the same feeling that had plagued my thoughts when I was with Gale and daydreaming about those times with Peeta. As much as I tried to deny it, I had slowly begun to give into what I knew to be true.

Peeta wasn't someone I could just simply push out of my mind and my life. He was someone I didn't want to push out.

Pain was the next feeling that hit me in this thought process. If I was allowing myself to have deeper feelings for Peeta then I was opening up the possibility of being hurt. Not by him voluntarily leaving me, but by him being taken from me.

Wasn't that part of my resolve to push him out? It was a struggle to deal with the confusing feelings, but it also meant he was not someone who could be used to punish me. He also wouldn't be the source of an unquenchable grief that would surely be there if I developed feelings for him only to have him taken like my father was so many years ago.

No, that was the reason I purposed my heart and mind to never be_ intimately _involved with anyone. But here I was allowing the idea of deeper feelings to wash over me.

It was this exact realization of those feelings that also forced me to think of how I felt about Gale. I had never mentioned the kiss, or the complexity that it brought along with it. However as each Sunday had passed and the thoughts of Peeta had become more and more often, my true realization that I would never view Gale in any other light became clear.

Of course I hadn't told Gale this as I struggled to keep our routine as close to normal as possible, but I knew that regardless of my feelings or any future with Peeta, I owed it to Gale to be honest.

That honesty talk seemed to loom larger and larger as my resolve to keep Peeta out of my life grew weaker.


	3. That Unfamiliar Feeling

**A/N: The transition from a solid wall built around her heart to the possibility and the confusion that it brings. **

**That Unfamiliar Feeling**

**Update 3/12/13: Reformatted the text, inserted more line breaks to make it easier to read**

_How did I get here?_

I couldn't help but wonder. Maybe all this was part of that crazy adolescent hormonal rage that I used to hear about. Was I being a typical teenage girl and treating every moment, thought and feeling as if it held the weight of the world?

I would get my answer today.

With only two days left before the victory tour, I was making my rounds, as had become my new routine, delivering my catch for the day to those that could use it. Nearing the victor's village, I made a detour that I hadn't often made since returning to the district and ended up on Haymitch's porch.

Opening the door and allowing myself the customary few moments to acclimate to the stench and aroma of "unkempt" house, I stepped inside.

Haymitch was sitting in a stupor on the end of his couch and mouthed something about not having time to deal with me. I reminded him that we were to leave for the victory tour in two days and that he might want to think about sobering up just a little.

I had avoided Haymitch for much of the same reasons I was avoiding Peeta. I knew that I owed him my life as I would have surely succumbed to the circumstances in the arena had it not been for his well-timed gifts.

But in my usual demeanor, here I was berating him with short, straight to the point comments. I realized that part of my frustration with Haymitch was that he was usually right. He was right when he locked recognized Peeta's ability to woo the crowds.

He was right when his instincts told him that the _star-crossed lover_ routine was the route to take and he was right when he told me time and again that I didn't deserve that boy.

The noise that I heard from the kitchen startled me and I instinctively back towards the door as if I was being stalked by a predator when his warm face emerged with a glass of water and fresh bread.

Peeta had already beat me to the punch and was here trying to get Haymitch out of his funk and somewhat presentable. In fact, he had been doing a lot of Haymitch-care since we returned. I felt a new pang of guilt over not thinking enough of my mentor to check in on him more often.

But not Peeta. He immediately assumed his natural role of protector and provider. I realized then, just how long it had been since I had actually been in the same space as Peeta for more than a handful of seconds and words felt miles away.

When Peeta looked at me, his eyes were still the unthinkable blue that I remembered, but his countenance was off. I did this. I knew it immediately and my guilt deepened. "Are you ready for the tour," I finally choked out after what seemed like an eternity of silence.

"I guess so," he said, and then more silence. Haymitch muttered something about the temperature of the room and how we had better heat it up.

We both knew that he wasn't talking about the furnace, but rather about us. We still had a performance, but that feeling stirred again. A feeling of warmth and without thinking I looked into Peeta's eyes and allowed that feeling to register on my face.

I knew it immediately and retreated.

I was out the door and headed across to my house unsure of what was happening. I couldn't get that vision out of my head, of Peeta looking as if he were in physical pain to be around me.

Then a wave of hurt spilled over my heart as I considered that maybe I had built a wall that couldn't be torn down. Had he moved on? Had he completely dismissed any thoughts of _us_ and that same feeling that continued to haunt me took on a whole new level as I gave into the honest revelation that I needed Peeta's desire and affection in my life.


	4. Fresh Twist

**A/N: I felt like the last chapter and the beginning of this one needed to follow the original story a little closer than the rest. It was a good setting to allow her to ponder thoughts that she isn't used to.**

**Update 3/12/13: Reformatted the text, inserted more line breaks for easier reading**

**Fresh Twist**

I didn't get much time to process my newfound revelation as I walked in the back door of my house and my mother was there instantly with a nervous smile.

She informed me in a whisper that I had a visitor and as I peered over her shoulder, the unmistakable presence of the Capitol hit me like a ton of bricks. I proceeded to go into the study and upon entering, the smell was overpowering.

It's another trait of a hunter. A keen sense of smell. Before my eyes even focused on the figure sitting behind the desk, I could smell the engineered scent of roses – laced with something that I likened to poision.

His snake-like eyes narrowed in my direction and his solid white beard framed a devilish smile as he welcomed me into his presence.

"Miss Everdeen, won't you come in and have a seat?" he said.

I was relieved to be sitting down as I don't think my shaking knees would have supported my frame. Over the next thirty minutes President Snow cut right to the core of my soul with the revelation that he was well aware that I had not been truly in love with Peeta and that he believed my actions to be that of a rebellious girl.

He began to talk about a small spark and something about a fire, but I was momentarily distracted by the thoughts that entered my mind as I flashed back to that moment of truth in the arena.

That moment was one that I have relived so many days and nights.

At first I was trying to figure out the real intention of threatening to eat the berries. I could see how the Capitol saw this as an act of defiance, but with the new idea that I may really have deep feelings for Peeta, I tended to lean more toward the only choice I had to not live a life without him.

I snapped back to the present as my subconscious had taken in all that Snow was telling me. He was placing the weight of the nation on my shoulders with the sure promise for bitter torment and punishment should I fail to succeed.

"Convince the whole of Panem of my undying love and affection for Peeta," he had said.

Then he added something else that I didn't quite register at the moment. His firm jaw line and glaring stare told me that he was sure I would fail and that this was just a formality, a sort of step in his plan that he could look back on and say _I warned her_.

But in those moments something else was battling for my minds attention.

Each time Snow mentioned my _act_ with Peeta it sounded foreign to me. Just the very word _act _was unsettling as if it was battling for a place in my mind and my heart.

The battle was between this simple word and that unidentifiable feeling that had been steadily growing since the days of the games.

"I will convince them all, you can count on me." Those words flowed from my mouth before I even thought about their meaning.

I slowly began to give in to the truth behind those words though. I wasn't just trying to convince the world, I was at the same moment confirming to my heart my true feelings for Peeta.

There was no point in denying it any longer. Even if the possibility for it to be reciprocated had come and gone, I was not going to fight to push it out of my mind and my heart. I wanted Peeta.

I needed him in my life as my best friend and so much more. All those years of growing up around him and the years since the bread had slowly etched his place onto my heart and in a moment of awakening, I let my mind agree with my heart.


	5. Honesty

**A/N: So, I definitely liked the ending to the original book series and my inspiration for this whole story was the wonder at how, if at all, anything would have changed had Katniss drawn a firm line to allow herself to truly explore her feelings for Peeta. Somehow I think that the feelings she had at the end of the story were present, just buried deep during the period before the tour.**

**Update 3/12/13: Reformatted the text, inserted more line breaks for easier reading**

**Honesty**

As Snow departed my house and I came up with a reassuring story to quell my mother's worried look, I retreated to my room to prepare for the tour.

Just like the day of the reaping, I was once again hard-pressed for time. Time to prepare to leave for the tour, and time to be honest about my heart. With this realization that I was falling for the boy with the bread, I also knew that I had to keep good with my internal promise to be honest with Gale.

It wasn't so much that I felt I had to reveal my choice, as there never was really a moment where I was sizing them up next to each other. But I needed to be sure the boundaries were established between us.

I was scared.

Scared of how he would react as I had gathered from the kiss in the meadow that first day we were alone after I returned to the district, was more than a reaction to seeing someone he thought for sure would never return.

I was scared of how this conversation may erase the years we had spend being there for one another when we were sure no one else cared. Well, maybe he knew there were others, but in my simple mindset, there was my family, there was Gale, and there was each day that was meant for survival.

The sun was just eclipsing the mountain tops on that crisp Sunday morning as I slipped out the backdoor of my home and set off toward the seam.

Tomorrow, I would board the train for the tour. Though there was no games to fear, my conversation with Snow had left me with the uneasy feeling that I may never return, the victim of an _accident_ of some sort.

Today was the only chance I would have to do this.

The snow had begun to fall late yesterday afternoon so I listened as each stealth step crushed through the snow blanket. When I reached the fence, I had a momentary thought of turning around and running back to the village.

I was sick to my stomach and my skin had become clammy, even in the cool winter air that was quickly chilling me to the core. Just as I had decided that it wasn't a good idea after all, he was there. His eyes were the same simple shade of gray as mine.

The short time he had already spent in the mines had left his face looking rough and worn.

It took another few moments for me to bring my mind back to focus on the task at hand. We crawled through the fence and made our way toward the woods. Neither of us spoke for a few minutes.

He was a little shocked to see me here, knowing that the tour was tomorrow, he hadn't expected me.

I finally stopped in the middle of the path and turned to face him.

"Gale, I needed to come here and tell you something. Something that is really hard for me to say because I don't really know what's going on…between us." I managed to choke out.

The tears were welling up in my eyes, and I willed them not to fall.

I continued, "I was on a mission during the games, to win at all costs, to make it home to take care of Prim and my mother. There was nothing else that mattered. But in that process, the costs of winning included acting out something that I had never thought about".

Gale moved, shifting his weight so that he was leaning against a tree now. A hard look pressed on his face as he intently stared at me and listened.

"I have been confused for a while. Something has been nagging me and no matter what I do, it's always there. It's…well…I have feelings for…" He raised his hand to stop me, and like so many times before he finished my thought, "for him?" he said.

The well broke and a tear spilled from my eye. I told him of how I had felt tiny stirrings in my heart during the games and had played them off as being in the moment, but the train ride home, the conversation with Peeta about it all being an act had brought the confusion to the forefront of my mind and no matter how hard I tried to _forget_ it was still there.

I told him of how I had felt guilty about all the kisses and affection he must have seen because for the first time I had considered that maybe his feelings for me ran deeper than just friends.

After what seemed like hours of me rambling and softly crying, Gale turned and picked up a stick and started aimlessly poking at the snow-covered ground. After a long period of silence, he finally spoke.

"I won't lie to you, this isn't easy. I know that I had more than enough opportunities to make my feelings known, and I guess I am mad at myself for not doing it. I always thought there would be time. I never really thought of you in any romantic way until the day of the reaping and by then it was too late. But I knew that first day back in the meadow that something was off. I silently hoped that we could spend enough time together and I could figure out a way to tap into that place in your heart where you affection flows deep. I guess that's just my lot in life to be close but never really there." He said.

His words were filled with a pain that cut me, deep in my soul.

I knew there was a chance he felt strongly about me, but this was much more than I had imagined. Then he switched his tone, "what makes him so special to you? How is it that he won your heart in a few weeks time? I mean I realize he's _town_…but" and before he could finish that sentence, his meaning behind the word _town_ sank into my mind.

I was immediately on the defensive, straightening my back and glaring at Gale. How could he insinuate that I was drawn to Peeta only for his place in the district? As if anyone in this part of the country was _well off_, he blind-sided me with that remark.

Sure, I had never told him how Peeta had saved me since I was 11, but it hurt me to think that the one I thought knew me the best would believe that I would let someone in just to improve my lot in life.

"Gale, believe me when I tell you that I value our friendship and what we have built over these years. You have made me a better person and given me the resolve to fight for my family's sake, but you have missed the mark if you think that I arrived at this point in my life because I was so shallow that I would just use someone's status to make my life easier." I sternly said. "Peeta was always there. I didn't realize what it meant to me, but he has always been there. He is unlike me in that he is completely selfless. Where I am resolved to do what I have to do to survive, he is resolved to give everything he has to the point of death to make sure those he cares about are able to carry on. It's his unwavering belief in a life of hope that draws me to him."

I let those last words settle on my mind and became aware of the embarrassment I felt over having felt the need to justify why I was falling for that boy.

I felt a little foolish because I didn't fully understand it myself, but in that heated moment, my heart must have done the talking. I moved back toward the edge of the woods ready to excuse myself and at the last-minute turned and looked into Gale's eyes.

Without a word, I crossed the space between us and wrapped my arms around his waist and held him for a second. I then looked up and softly placed a chaste kiss on his cheek and simply said, "thank you."

I wasn't even sure what I had thanked him for, but it felt like the right thing to do. Maybe it was all the years spent traipsing through the woods, or maybe it was for his understanding, even if he hadn't fully realized it.

I turned and steadily walked toward the fence and replayed my conversation over and over and over in my mind. I felt another wave of guilt wash over me as I thought of how contradicting I must have seemed to become angry at the thought of using someone for my personal gain when in fact that is exactly what it must have appeared to look like when I returned.

But the world couldn't see how Peeta had grown on me since I was just a young girl.

There were so many secrets that only he and I shared and I just had to accept that there would be questions that I didn't have a clear answer to for anyone on the outside.


	6. What Has to be Said

**A/N: A small moment of reflection and thought. Pondering how to say what is on her heart and whether it will make any difference, but sometimes things have to be said, regardless of the outcome. Sorry it's a short one.**

******Update 3/12/13: Reformatted the text, inserted more line breaks for easier reading**

**What has to be said**

I decided not to return to the village immediately.

Part of it was the opportunity to be in my woods for a while longer before the tour and the other part was to reflect. I didn't watch to see where Gale had gone, but took a long winding route around the forest to the one place that offered solace for my soul.

When I reached the lakes edge, I perched myself on a rock formation and just stared at the calm surface of the water.

I allowed my tears to flow freely at the thought of burning a bridge with Gale, but silently prayed that he would see how much his friendship meant to the both of us and that we could grow back to that point someday.

I then began to dwell on the threats Snow had issued to me yesterday.

I was instantly worried like I had never been before, for my family's safety and for Gale's safety. I wasn't' sure how to process this fear. Two weeks ago, I would have been impossibly beside myself worried about how I was going to pull of the _girl in _love routine. But now that didn't seem like such a hard task.

I could do what Cinna told me I did best – just be myself.

My heart warmed to the idea that being me included having a fondness for Peeta that went beyond friendship. Just for a moment I allowed myself to bask in the sun's rays and feel a small light of hope in my soul.

That moment didn't last very long as I was consumed by another wave of fear, a fear that I was pulling Peeta into a much more dangerous situation.

Somehow I felt like he wouldn't be so determined to see me safe if he thought I didn't care about him. But revealing my true feelings for him now would only deepen his resolve to protect me.

Of course all of this was dependent on whether he even really cared.

As the afternoon turned toward evening, I began the trek back toward my home. I started to think of the things I would say to Peeta, how I would try to show this new thought process, these new feelings. Growing closer in the distance, I could see the outline of my house and I let my thoughts drift to what this day had held.

I had decided before I set out on this journey today to face Gale and spill out my heart regardless of what the result was with Peeta.

I had to be sure I wasn't leading Gale on. I had to be true to my heart and establish those boundaries.

Now, with that behind me, my mind was able to completely focus on the fear of a life without Peeta's affection and warmth. Is this what it was like to fall in love with someone? Is that what was happening to me? How much easier would it have been if I could have processed these thoughts on the way home from the games?

Would Snow have even felt the need to come all the way out to the end of the world in district 12 to give me a _pep talk_ of sorts? Better yet, how much easier would it have been to just swallow those berries in the arena?

My thoughts were quickly interrupted by his presence.

Standing in the lane between the houses…was the boy with the bread.


	7. Light of Hope

**A/N: Finally, the last step in the process of the revelation. I felt a little hope in my heart as I wrote about it…so appropriately titled. I have left this story "in progress" just in case there is more that needs to be said. Reviews will help influence that decision. Not sure exactly where it will go, but I am sure I can think of something. LOL.**

******Update 3/12/13: Reformatted the text, inserted more line breaks for easier reading**

**Light of Hope**

I stopped in my tracks, a good 20 feet between us and looked at him.

It was the first time in a long time that our gaze was uninterrupted. It was uncomfortable, but somehow warm. I almost started the conversation reliving the visit I had from Snow but realized that it would only sound as if I was pleading for him to help me _act_.

No. I had to begin the process of sincerity. It felt surprisingly easy to smile at him. Probably the first smile I had given him since we left the Capitol.

"Hey," he said, breaking the silence between us. "I was just going to sit with Haymitch for a while, try to slow him down a little if you know what I mean," he continued.

His tone was so distant with me and I could swear he almost seemed to be in pain talking to me. My first reaction was to retreat and hide within myself, but that feeling welled up inside me again and I knew that if I ever wanted to begin to tear down the walls, I had to learn to face the uncomfortable moments.

This wasn't something I could just shoot and kill, or something that I could put behind my survival thoughts, this was foreign to me. But the ever-present need for him to be in my life and to be more than just an acquaintance kept my feet firmly planted and I spoke.

"Peeta, I never thanked you." I said. His look changed from painful to puzzled. I continued, "I never thanked you for saving my life both here in the district and in the arena." I stared at the ground and furiously worked my hands back and forth in my pockets.

This was hard. I was trying to be so careful with my words, unsure of how he would react if I just blurted out that I didn't want to forget.

It was from our conversation on the train when he asked, with a hope in his eyes, what we would do when we got back. I had so quickly replied that I guessed we would try and forget. Try and forget the horror of the games and try to forget any confusing feelings we had.

My desire to return home and back to _normal_ had cascaded out of my mouth before I even thought about the consequences and the pain it would cause. But now here in the dark of the night, I was trying to find the right way to tell him that I had not forgotten, nor would I ever forget how he continued to save me with each new day we were alive.

"You don't have to thank me. I should be thanking you for looking for me and for risking your life to save me," he said. "I'm sorry." I blurted out. I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks and the tears were there again.

"I'm sorry that I have been so distant from you. You have never been anything but nice to me, and I trampled on your feelings for me." I continued. His countenance changed and that caring look returned.

He took a few steps toward me and I returned the gesture.

"Katniss I know that I haven't been very easy to be around. I didn't talk to you for all those years and then I turned your world upside down by revealing that I was attracted to you all along." He said. "I just want us to be friends, if nothing else is possible, just friends. I need that and hope that you can give that to me when you are ready." He said and then lowered his eyes to the ground.

In a soft whisper he said, "It's all I have every really hoped for since that day…"

It was the same Peeta. Here he was reducing his feelings and his desires to rock bottom in a hope that he could still keep up some sort of relationship with me.

My heart melted and I walked toward him until we were close enough to feel each other's body heat.

"Peeta, I know this won't sound like me and believe me when I say it's not something I am used to…" I trailed off, but finally worked up the resolve and looked into those endless blue eyes. "Peeta, I don't want to forget either. Any of it. Iwill always be your friend, but I hope that it's not too late for…more." I said.

By now, I was shaking and I wasn't sure if it was from the cool air or from the nervousness of finally spilling out, in my weird sort of way, my affection for him. When his hands found mine and pulled me close to him, all the tension in my body floated away.

Yes, I was still in hot water with the Capitol and I was still the same closed off girl from the seam, but right here and now, I was someone's object of affection and someone cared for me in a way that I had never known. We hugged each other for what seemed like days.

When we finally released from each other's grip, I looked up at him and smiled. His eyes and smile gave me the answer I so desperately had hoped was still there.

"Nothing could change how I feel about you," he said.

In this moment I know that my life is once again changing. Changing for the better?

I don't really know. But what I know is that I will face each day moving forward with a rock-solid foundation standing next to me. I am excited in some small way to be experiencing something that just months before I had so adamantly denied I ever wanted.

This excitement is tinged with the fear of losing it all and I am not really sure how those two feelings will play out.

I still dread the thought of this tour, but am now filled with the hope of growing closer to my best friend, my protector, my love.

This will surely change everything about how we both approach our lives, but somehow it doesn't feel quite as scary as it has before.


	8. Preparing

**A/N: This chapter is a bridge between the mushy moment and the beginning of the tour. Not that original, but with the twist of discovered feelings. Keeping with the theme, it's the beginning of the "small steps" that will lead to…wherever it leads.**

******Update 3/12/13: Reformatted the text, inserted more line breaks for easier reading**

**Preparing**

I walked into my house, not really sure what I had just committed to. As we parted ways, I was filled with an instant anxiety that threatened to bring me to my knees. I was a little mad at myself for revealing my feelings when I wasn't even sure I really understood them.

I told Peeta, I don't know where any of this leads but that I wanted him to know there was more here. I somehow needed to be honest with him in that regard, but I instantly regretted the feeling that I may have severely increased the danger of our situation.

Now we were about to embark on this tour. I was dreading every second.

Aside from the obvious worry and stress of _performing_ to Snow's expectation, I was ill prepared to be the face of the Capitol. My interview before the games, alone, should somehow disqualify me from having to speak in front of crowds, no matter who they might be.

I've never asked Peeta about his thoughts or how he is processing the experience of living first hand in the games. I know for me, it's endless nightmares and remembering the faces of those that never left that arena.

Now, I am expected to go and pretend that I am happy I was the victor and what's more, I am to stand on all the stages of the various districts and smile as they heap pretend smiles and praises onto me.

After another endless night of horror in my dreams, I awoke, tired and sick to my stomach.

I staggered to the bathroom and turned on the shower. When the water had lost all of the warmth, I stepped out and began the routine of preparing for this day. There wasn't much to do, as my _miracle_ team would be here to prep me shortly.

Making my way down the stairs, I was greeted with the smell of fresh bread. A hint of cinnamon filled my senses and as I rounded the corner to the kitchen, there he was.

"I hope you don't mind, but I wanted to bring you and your family a little something," he said.

His eyes were warm and inviting and he had a calm about him that I was almost jealous of. "Thank you," was all I could muster.

I took a seat at the counter and began to nibble at one of the cheese rolls in front of me. My mother and Prim quickly joined us and we had a moment where no one seemed to be under a cloud of stress and suffering.

My thoughts were all over the place this morning. Here was Peeta, being himself; charming and sincere. My family enjoying the day and my mind was continuing to go back to the seam, back to him.

I had hurt him. I knew that. Gale wasn't Peeta, with a gentle spirit and a soul that could absorb anything without reflecting hurt and anger.

I knew our conversation had to happen if I was to be fair to him, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt to know that I may have lost the only friend I had for so long. My only consolation was that maybe he could have a life he dreamed of with someone that was deserving of his caring heart and personality.

My thoughts were interrupted as the knock on the door signaled the beginning of make believe time. My new name for these moments where the prep team came in and turned me into a puppet for the Capitol – make believe.

Peeta excused himself and as he opened the door, there stood Haymitch. _Well, at least he is upright and I can see both of his eyes_, I thought. He gave me a look that spoke volumes, _are you ready?_

I simply nodded and made my way upstairs with my prep team in tow. After a fresh scrub down, endless pulling of hair, powders, creams, and whatever else, my door opened and in walked the one that truly made me comfortable, "Hey Cinna," I said with a smile.

He dismissed the prep team and stood looking at me for a second, then crossed the room and gave me a warm reassuring hug.

"Are you ready for this?" he said.

I just shrugged and gave my best _Capitol_ smile. We went over my talent, which of course was his doing as I could never, in a million years, come up with the creative designs he was able to put together. I had rehearsed all my lines about my new found love of designing clothes and felt ready to face those questions.

He showed me the outfits he had prepared for each stop and I commented on how much Peeta would love the soft orange dress that was marked for district 4. "How is that going, you and Peeta?" Cinna asked.

"Actually good, I think," and I know that my body gave me away as I felt the redness creeping up my neck and into my cheeks.

We left my room and I descended the steps once more. I couldn't help but giggle a little at Prim's face. So young and fresh and just not quite old enough to understand how dreadfully terrible this life really was.

I heard her voice before I saw her, "Oh my, how beautiful. We have such a big big day planned," said Effie. She informed me that the camera crews were in place and that they wanted nothing more than to show the nation just how much the love have blossomed between Peeta and I.

We were going to meet in the lane between our houses and then make our way together to the waiting train. I caught Haymitch's eye and could see the discontent and _worry_ in them. I smiled and gave him a reassuring wink as I opened the door.

It had started to snow earlier that day and the ground was covered. When I reached the bottom of the steps, I looked up and there he was. I had gone over my plan for _excitement_ as I saw him. I would put on my best smile and maybe even giggle a little. I think that's what some of the girls in school would do when they saw a boy that had caught their attention.

But when I saw him standing there, I forgot all about my rehearsed performance and felt my heart swell. I was flooded with a feeling that I had only one other time in my life – the cave. Before I knew what I was doing, I was running toward him and in an ill-thought moment, jumped into his outstretched arms.

This, of course, caught us both off-guard and that, combined with his new prosthetic leg, culminated in the two of us collapsing into the snow blanket covering the lane. I quickly apologized and he just smiled at me.

Without another thought, I leaned my head down and our lips met. An instant fire spread throughout my chest and down my arms and legs. When we broke apart, I climbed off of him and helped him back up and our hands found each other as we started toward the train station.

The look on Haymitch's face said we had done well and it was at that second that I realized I had forgotten about why we _needed_ to be affectionate and in love.

I smiled as I thought about that kiss and how giddy I was over it. The Capitol would think that was a daily routine for us, but in reality it was the first time our lips had met since we left the Capitol.

Through all the confusion and stress, I felt a little closer to Peeta walking to the train and for a brief moment wasn't as scared of this trip.


	9. Finding Balance

**A/N: Well, we are on the tour. How will Katniss balance her new feelings with a lifetime of mindset that goes against everything she is feeling?**

**I DO NOT claim credit for characters or themes, all praise goes to SC. **

**Finding a balance**

After we had waved to the crowds who had gathered to wish us well, said our good-byes to family and friends, we were back on the train and headed towards our first stop.

The quiet was unsettling. It was also short-lived. "We have a very big big day planned for tomorrow." Effie squealed. "We will be in District 11 in a couple days, so get your rest," she instructed.

This was also code for _get off to bead, right now_. It was funny to think that Effie must assume her role is to be the schedule keeper, event planner, and substitute mommy for all the tributes.

She too is in uncharted water as it has been almost 25 years since our district has participated in the victory tour.

Haymitch settled in quickly – to the beverage car. He was insistent on being drunk before our district had faded from view, and from the looks of things, he was well on his way.

I took a moment to glance at Peeta and he had somewhat of a glazed look in his eyes. It was as if he wasn't really sure what to do.

Without saying anything further, I excused myself to my room and decided I would get an early start on the nightmares.

I haven't said a word to anyone about the meeting with President Snow. It all happened so fast and with such weight that I blocked it out, to an extent.

At the time I wasn't entirely sure who I could confide in. I had other thoughts plaguing my mind at the time too, but now in the silence of the train, I was consumed by the weight of this burden.

Who could I tell? Who would understand just how important this trip was?

I don't think I could tell Peeta.

I am still not entirely sure where _we_ are headed and I don't want my conversation with him last night to seem like it was a plea for a fresh new act.

That only leaves one person and he isn't usually much for conversations with me.

I slipped out of my room and down the hallway until I was standing outside his door. "Haymitch," I whispered as I knocked gently.

I heard a bottle come down on the table, not so gently and his door opened. "What do you want sweetheart?" he grumbled.

"I need to talk to you about something, I don't know who else to tell," I said.

I hesitated to start and as if he was reading my mind, he brushed past me and toward the common area.

As if on cue, the train was making a stop and Haymitch headed for the door, mumbling something about fresh air.

He was passed the attendant in no time and I took the opportunity to follow him with the pretense of bringing his drunken butt back to the train.

Once we were safely away from the train, I spilled out what I could recall about the meeting with Snow.

I didn't immediately go into the details of how my _performance_ wouldn't really be as much acting as before. I wasn't really ready to announce my feelings for Peeta to the world, mostly because I wasn't total convinced of their depth.

So we returned and resolved that I would have to keep playing the game we started – forever.

When Haymitch had said those words, he gave me a puzzling look as I took it all in. "Honestly, I thought you would be upset," he said suspiciously.

My face must have been betraying me again as I felt the heat rise up in my neck and my cheeks. Haymitch picked up on it immediately and gave me a little smirk.

I was really going to have to figure out how to control the emotional response my body seemed hell bent on giving off every time my mind contemplated the thought of a future with Peeta.

Morning came after a night with almost no sleep but plenty of nightmares. I was alone at breakfast staring at a table full of my favorite foods.

"Hey you," I heard from behind me and turned to see Peeta smiling and walking toward me. Without hesitation, his hands found my shoulders and gave me a reassuring squeeze.

His touch felt comforting, but my mind kept throwing up the _walls_ that I depended on when I was trying to keep my family alive back in district 12. I shifted a little so that his hands fell away and returned to my food.

Peeta sat across from me and I could feel a tension mounting in the air. He finally broke the silence, "Is everything alright?"

I nodded, and after a minute, finally looked up and said something about not getting much sleep last night.

"I don't sleep much either, not anymore," he stated and for the first time, I realized how I wasn't the only one traumatized by the memories.

I don't think I have ever really thought about the horror he may have witnessed, especially running with the careers for the first couple of days. I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

"I am really happy that we are talking again," he started. He was desperate for conversation. I willed back my _defenses_ and said, "Me too. I missed it"

I continued, "Peeta, I have no idea how to process all of this…the feelings and circumstances. I want to give _us_ a chance to develop and see where it leads, but I am not very good at letting anyone in."

It was the truth. My whole life had been focused on me. Not in a selfish, stuck-up sort of way, but in a way that was totally focused on my skills and actions being the difference between eating and starving.

"Just relax and be you, Katniss. That's the person that I fell for all those years back, and the person that I hope has feelings for me," he said. With that, I reached a hand across the table and found his, locking our fingers together and smiled.

We spent the next hour or so talking about things we liked – favorite colors, and best memories of growing up. I was shocked at how much he seemed to know about me, and a little embarrassed when I realized all the times our paths had crossed but I had been to focused elsewhere to even notice.

After lunch, I followed Peeta to a part of the train I had not been before, and saw his talent for the first time. Peeta was a wonderful artist, having been the primary cake decorator in his families Bakery back home.

After the games, he transferred that artistic ability to the canvas. What I saw though, made my skin crawl. Each canvas depicted, in the most realistic detail, the horror of my nightmares. "How can you paint all of this?" I asked him.

He said, "It's the only way I know how to process what's in my mind. I haven't really had anyone to talk to back home."

Now I feel terrible that I spent so much time shutting him out and I move closer to him, wrap my arms around his waist and lay my head on his chest. Peeta takes his cue and embraces me in a comforting hug that speaks volumes to my heart.

Again, my mind warns me that this isn't normal and I push myself back away and continue to look around the room. What catches my eye next is a large canvas that makes me uncomfortable, but for a different reason.

On the large surface of creativity are at least 15 different faces – all my faces, but in different states.

There is one of my sleeping, one laughing, another crying, and one with my trademark scowl, some in black and white, and others in various shades of color.

I look back at Peeta, who seems somewhat embarrassed. "How can you picture all of this from that short amount of time we spent together in the arena?"

"I have been looking at your face for the past five years, everyday in school and when you walked home," he admitted. He went on, "you are often in my dreams. When I was afraid to talk to you, I would paint you. It was my weird way of not forgetting"

There is that feeling again, not the defensive reflex to retreat, but the one that consumed me in the cave and more recently when we were _meeting_ again for the cameras.

I feel conflicted, but at the same time, I am filled with an overwhelming contentment and affection for this boy. I also feel guilty for shutting him out over the past few months, but resolved to open up to him more.

It's getting close to dinner time when we make our way back toward the dining car and find our style teams, Effie and Haymitch all sitting around making small talk. When we appear, hand in hand, they all get quiet.

Haymitch gives me that puzzled look as if he's trying to figure out what's going on inside my mind. I know this must be confusing. Sure he expects affection when the cameras are rolling, but when we are alone on the train?

I am sure a conversation will ensue sooner or later. But for now, I am just enjoying the moment, as much as a person in my predicament can.

After dinner Effie lays out, in meticulous detail, our plans for our first district stop tomorrow. It's district 11 and my heart aches at the thought immediately.

Rue was from district 11. My first and only other ally besides Peeta. The one that reminds me so much of Prim. Tomorrow I will have to face her family and I am almost sick at the thought of it.

As I excuse myself from the table, I give Peeta a look and he is immediately up and following me. We sit in the hallway and I tell him about Rue and what she meant to me during our time in the arena. The tears flow and I find my way to his shoulder as his hands find my waist.

I quickly apologize for being emotional, and tell Peeta goodnight. It's early, but I just need to be alone. After a quick shower I slip between the sheets and search for any semblance of rest although I am sure none will come.

When we arrive in District 11, we are hurried through our prep and dressed for the event. We will have to listen to speeches, accept useless awards, give our own remarks and then have a specially prepared dinner in our honor.

We are introduced and step out onto the platform in the public square. The air is heavy with a false sense of joy. The speeches go as planned, but I am overly aware of the tension that seems to be boiling beneath the false smiles.

It is in that moment that I begin to think of ways to _convince_ this audience and all those watching around the country of my desperate love for Peeta.

I step closer to him as he is giving some remark about our winnings being shared with the tributes families and he glances down at me with a puzzled look in his eyes. My hands find his and I am rubbing his forearm, not even really paying attention to what he is saying.

When I hear the crowd react to what he has offered, I take the opportunity to kiss him with an overzealous show of emotion. And then another kiss, it's awkward and I know that I am looking more like a fox in heat than a victor.

What happens next is really a blur. There was some sort of commotion in the crowd, we were _persuaded_ to retreat back inside the building, gun shots rang out, and then silence. I looked up at Peeta and he had a look of total confusion and almost mistrust.

Haymitch whisked us away to a secluded part of the building and pried for details. We explained the tension in the crowd and what we thought was some sort of confrontation in the crowd. Peeta backs away from me and demands to know what he is missing.

With a look that means it's time to be honest, Haymitch walks away from me and I turn to Peeta and spill out all the details of Snow's visit to my house and the unrest our little berry act caused in the districts.

Peeta turns away from me and is silent for a few moments. When he turns back around he looks at Haymitch and enquires if he knew about this. When Haymitch admits he did know, Peeta's face takes on a look of despair mixed with anger.

"So all of this, you and I, the _feelings_ and everything, it's all for show? Again," he directs towards me.

I was afraid this is how he would react, and had used that fear as my primary reason for keeping it from him. I realize now that the slow approach I was using to sort out the real feelings must have seemed so alien to the _hot and heavy_ act I put forward on the stage.

"I trusted you. I let myself believe that this was really happening, that even though you said it was more act than not in the arena that you had found you had feelings for me," he said.

"But it was all a lie?" he whispered. "No, Peeta it's…" I started, but was quickly cut off. "Don't…I don't want to hear it. I don't know what to believe Katniss. For the past three days…what was that, practice? He said, now in a more determined and harsh tone.

"If we must act to keep our families and those we care about safe, you know I'll be up for it. But it really hurts that you played with my emotions like that," he said, and with that stormed off toward our quarters in the building.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I spun around to look at Haymitch. In that moment, his face softened a little bit and he said, "Are you still _playing_ sweetheart?"

The tears streaming down my face gave me away again. "No…I really like him and have been trying to figure out how to show him," I said. "He still scares me to death, I am not used to this, and I was afraid he would think I was…" I couldn't continue. Sobs from somewhere deep were working their way out of my body.

We quietly retreated back to our quarters and I spent entirely too much time in the shower trying to make sense of what happened today, both in the square and with Peeta. I guess I didn't think about how fragile his trust must have been. I didn't think…that was a common problem with me. I like to act and act on the move, so I never slow down to process how my actions will affect others.

When it was time for the dinner, I was dressed and waiting in the hall to be introduced. His hand found mine and startled me. He looked down at me and simply said, "No more lies. Friends don't lie to each other."

"No they don't, and I am sorry. I really…" I started, but he cut me off with a smile and a kiss on the cheek.

"Haymitch told me I needed to remember something. And I do remember – my feelings for you are unchangeable. I will fight every day to not fall in love with you because I know that's probably an unreachable dream, but I will be your friend for all of my days," he said.

I didn't know what to say, or how to respond. That same feeling that had consumed me in the cave and in the snow was present again in my heart and even though I knew I was going to be on damage control, I realized for just a second how lucky I was to be adored by someone like Peeta.

I don't deserve this kind of admiration and love. Yes, it is love. Only love could help a person rebound so quickly after having his heart crushed.

I don't know how I will convince him that my deep down feelings are for real and that I was over the top on the stage, but that was driven by fear.

Something inside of me knows that no matter what I, or we do, we will not succeed in meeting Snow's expectations. This crowd was on edge before we ever pulled up. Maybe the damage has been done and the inevitable is happening.

So rather than focus on over the top _performances_, I determine I want all of us – Peeta and I, to be real. Whatever that looks like. I think people deserve truth in a world where all they hear are lies. So the truth is what they will see. Two scared teenagers who are publicly stumbling through the awkwardness of a beginning relationship.

We relax through dinner and enjoy the festivities, we dance, and we talk with people we will most likely never meet again.

When we are back on the train, putting District 11 behind us I walk into the dining car and find an unusually semi-sober Haymitch sitting by himself.

_Here we go_ I think. "You could have saved me a lot of embarrassment and getting yelled at by him if you had let me in on the little _love_ secret," he began.

"I didn't know it would have made a difference. I thought we were protecting him from the worry of knowing about Snow," I replied.

"That little spark in the cave during the games got the most reaction out of these nut jobs. That was real. Yes, they're not that smart, but you aren't a very good actor. If you want to sell this, go with real." He said.

"That is the only way to make it powerful on the outside." He began again.

Then he was quiet. He went on talking about the mess we were in, even if we did pull it off. I just sat there and listened.

"You know you're lucky girl. It isn't often someone like him comes along, let alone has any interest in you, especially someone like _you_," said Haymitch.

I was ready to become defensive, and sensing that, he continued, "Not that you don't have genuine qualities, but you are like an iron box. You shut this kid out, whether you realized it or not for five years and he never missed a beat."

I knew this. It made me fill terrible that I had consumed so many years of his thoughts. "You should embrace how lucky you are and make this right," he said.

"We have a day and a half before we get to district 10, and I would suggest you try and figure out how to put the confusion behind us," he huffed.

With that he excused himself and I was alone with my thoughts and the soft sounds of the train whisking us on our journey.

I want nothing more than to put the confusion behind me, behind us. I hated that part over the last few months, trying to sort out feelings and thoughts and what not. It isn't me. Growing up, I didn't have time for thought processes to play out. I had a task each and every day and I had to make a plan, execute, and hope for another day.

I know that my feelings for Peeta are real. I know that they are deep and I know that they are leading me into unchartered waters.

My task now is to show Peeta that this isn't just for show. That our private moments are real and that I am falling for him, maybe not as fast, but I know its happening.

I silently pray that I haven't set the bridge on fire again, and get up to make my way to the sleeping compartment.

I haven't seen Peeta since we got back on the train. I decide I will talk to him tomorrow morning and begin the process of opening up to him again.

My nightmares must have been something special tonight, because he is in my room instantly, and his arms are around me. Doesn't he sleep? How could he be this alert and attending to my every need?

After I calm down, he stands up to leave, but I reach out and grab his hand. "Please stay with me," I say.

With that, he crawls into bed with me and those arms wrap me into his warm chest. We fit. As if we were made to complement one another, we fit like a puzzle piece. All my resolve, all the walls come crashing down around my heart and I feel warmth spread all over my body.

Just his touch? Is that what it took to break me down? My heart is a strange part of me, I resolve. I look up into his endless blue eyes and open my mouth to apologize, to tell him how much I know I need him – no how much I know I want him in my life, but the words don't make it out.

"I know," he says. "Falling in love with you was the same way for me too, like a light suddenly clicked on in my heart," he said. With that, he kissed me. Not in a hungry, forced, raw manner, but in a delicate, soft passionate moment.

"I love you Katniss," he said

Time stood still for what seemed like an eternity. My voice surprised me, but it came from my heart. "I love you," I whispered. There was no need to decide how and on what level and what it would look like tomorrow.

In this moment we both knew we were powerless to control our feelings for one another and surprisingly it seemed right. Whatever happens from here on out will be real and that is the best part of all.

I closed my eyes and for the first time in as long as I could remember, slept without another nightmare.

**A/N: Very long chapter, but I felt like it needed every word to get us to the point of love. When I started this story I wanted to explore how the books may have looked had the feelings that we know were there in the heart of Katniss, buried deep, may have affected the dynamic if they were out in the open earlier. Would the chain of events that led us to the epilogue have been any easier or more complicated? That is what I am attempting to visualize. I am a romantic at heart and got frustrated at times with the stories when it seemed like they were finally going to be **_**together**_** only to have some sort of misfortune of life or the heart drive a wedge. I came to the conclusion to write a little because I was left at the end of MJ with the feeling that they settled for what was left rather than embraced what they wanted. So I am twisting and turning here and there to see if that sits better on my mind. Comments and personal introspect are welcomed.**


	10. A Growing Journey

**A/N: **Finally over the hurdle, the feelings are out there. Again a little into the mindset – I think all these feelings were there after the first games. Age and circumstances kept them buried. I poured over CF again and wrestled with the obvious struggle between feelings for Gale and Peeta, what's real, what's not. So again, I will try to explore the differences that may have appeared had she reached the conclusion to the mind and heart battles sooner. I am planning to deal with the remainder of the tour in this chapter and maybe one more to get us to the point of the Quarter Quell. Enjoy!

**All credit for characters and story themes goes to SC.**

**A "Growing" Journey**

I open my eyes and he's still there. Last night I spoke those three words that had eluded my lips my entire life. I have definitely never had the courage to say them to Peeta, afraid of the monumental damage they could do.

But last night, I spoke from the heart. Now in the pre-dawn hours, I watch him sleep. He looks so young when he's asleep. Peaceful even.

I made it through the night, or the remainder of it, without any nightmares. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I feel somewhat rested.

As I watch him, I wonder if I have had the same effect on him. What was it he once told me about his nightmares? _My nightmares are mostly about losing you, and when I realize you are still here, I am fine again._ I was floored by his nonchalant admission that my presence is the difference between restful nights and those of endless terror.

I may never truly understand what it is that I did to capture his heart. He has told me several times it was the way I looked when I was five, or the way I sang the valley song in school, or this or that, but I am still amazed that someone could love another person so deeply and never have spoken to them.

The warmth of the bed keeps me drawn in, so I snuggle a little closer to Peeta. When I look up at his face again, his eyes are wide open. Endless blue orbs of hope and love are staring back at me and his mouth forms into a soft smile.

"Good morning," he says. And it is a good morning. I know it won't be long before I am in a total state of panic, as I never get many moments of _peace_, but I will take this one.

I am still not completely sure what is happening in my life. I felt more emotions then I could comprehend when I uttered those simple words that held the weight of the world. I, forever, linked myself to Peeta with a simple admission.

The knock on my door signaled that _play time_ was over. Effie's over-eager voice on the other side proclaiming our next big day filled with big plans helped motivate me to disentangle myself from Peeta's embrace.

Instantly, I was embarrassed at the thought of someone finding Peeta in my room. While everyone in Panem assumes we are insatiable lovers, it is not common place where I come from to invite a man into your bed.

I wasn't brought up that way. It never bothered me that I didn't date. I was too pre-occupied with survival to think about it, but upon returning from the games, my mother's _instinct_ appeared when she reminded the gaggle of reporters that I was too young for a boyfriend.

What might be common place in the Capitol was certainly not acceptable in District 12. I guess the alarm splashed across my face in various shades of crimson gave me away and Peeta made some comment about how he would slip back to his room and let me get ready.

_A gentleman. _I thought to myself and smiled.

After a shower and a little more time to try and clear my thoughts, I walked to the dining car and found our entourage had assembled and were engaged in light chatter over breakfast.

I found a seat next to Peeta and smiled when I saw the tea sitting in front of me. "I thought you might like some this morning," he said.

It was in the little things that reminded me how much I didn't know about him. Sure I know the basics – he likes to paint, he can bake and decorate pastries and cakes, and he loves me.

Even to say it in my head causes some alarm and anxiety, yet makes my skin tingle with excitement.

We will be in District 10 by late afternoon and the process will begin anew. After the fiasco in District 11, we decided to stick to the approved script and schedule.

When we arrive in 10, we are ushered from the train to the Justice Building just as we were in District 11, although this time it didn't have the feel of being herded around like cattle.

Every person we passed on our short journey seemed to look at us with a certain excitement. It wasn't the same kind of excitement as if we were pieces to their scheduled entertainment, but as if they were looking at…heroes.

Being a victor in the games elevated you to some form of stardom, although I never felt it, this is what we were led to believe from the lessons in school. But this _hero_ feeling wasn't one of admiration for a champion, but one of excitement for a spark.

Just as I had assumed in District 11, the energy here made it pretty clear that nothing a simple pair of teenagers from District 12 could do would squash down the energy level that had obviously been created.

It was at this moment that I feared for my family and the families of those that I loved. I wish there was some way I could communicate with them, just to know how they are doing. I just have to silently hope that they are free from harm.

I am beginning to wonder if the President will honor his thought process that keeping me alive was in the best interest because of the popularity factor in the Capitol.

It would be simple to engineer a tragic train accident, or some crazed lunatic taking me or both of us out. The nation would mourn and Snow would play it up with the best sympathy performance of all time.

"Are you alright?" asked Peeta. I snapped back to the present and nodded, but his grip on my hand tightened ever so slightly as if to say _I don't really believe you_.

After the ceremonial speeches, plaques, and flowers, we waved good-bye to the crowds and stepped back inside the Justice building. Dinner was large and over-the-top in my opinion, but I was hungry nonetheless, so I tried to relax and eat.

Peeta and I danced, often interrupted by girls and boys our age that are privileged enough to be in attendance, but we always kept our eyes on each other and quickly resumed our _stuck next to you _routine as soon as we could.

Back on the train, after tucking in a completely drunken Haymitch, we made our way to the couches in the commons area of the train.

Peeta came to sit down beside me and I immediately adjusted so I was leaning into the crook of his arm. Without saying a word, he tilted my chin upward and placed a warm soft kiss on my lips.

These kisses were so different from the hundreds we had in front of the crowds or the cameras. While I enjoyed each one, these were my favorite. These kisses weren't ordered by anyone and did nothing to help our _cause_.

Peeta didn't linger long and turned his attention to the replay of our ceremony being broadcast over and over on the television. I hadn't realized I was tired, but rather than give in to slumber and the possibility of wrenching nightmares, I sit up straighter and turned to Peeta.

"Tell me something I don't know," I said.

His puzzled look meant I wasn't clear. "About you, tell me something I don't know about you," I clarified.

"Hmm, well I am not sure. I am pretty simple really. I like to daydream," he said.

"What do you mean," I replied. I knew what daydreaming was, but really had no idea how that was an attribute of him. Didn't we all daydream at some point or another?

He continued, "Well, I think of how things could be if circumstances were different."

"Sometimes I will play out day by day, or months ahead of what I think my life would look like if certain factors were different then they really are," he said.

I still wasn't exactly sure what he meant, partly because I never thought of the future beyond our next meal. So I pried a little further. "Give me an example of something you would dream about in that way," I said.

I couldn't help but notice the deepened shade of red that was showing up in his ears and the tips of his cheek bones. He was embarrassed. But why, I wasn't sure.

Then it dawned on me before he spoke. His daydreams were probably about me. Of course they were. Not because I deserved that kind of focus and attention, but because he was Peeta and I was his object of affection for as long as he could remember.

This made me feel guilty and unsettled at the same time. The guilt was from the obvious pain I must have caused, never seeming to give him the time of day. Not even a smile that I could remember.

The unsettling feeling was made up of the fears I had of losing him, of him suddenly not being in my life. It was also made up of the lack of self-worth I felt. I wasn't worthy of someone's love. I had done nothing to deserve it and my upbringing taught me that you got nothing for free in this life.

"I used to think about what may have happened with you and me if I hadn't been so afraid to come to you after…" he said

I already know where his thought process is – the bread.

"Maybe it wouldn't have been so hard to get here and maybe you wouldn't be so skeptical of someone finding you desirable," He softly spoke.

It was like he was reading me like an open book. Was I this transparent? I thought girl's hearts and minds were supposed to be the place of dark mysteries that stumped the male species until the day of his death.

"I think everything had to happen the way it did. We may not have survived the games had we already been closer," I offered.

And it was true. Would I have been focused enough to survive in the games if he had been the center of my attention from the very beginning? Would we have been able to pull off the _surprised_ star-crossed lovers act?

Of course Peeta would have. He can do anything, and charm his way into any heart. That starts my mind on a whirl-wind of thoughts and new fears. I have never really considered Peeta's affection for me to be anything other than 100% genuine.

But what if he was just manipulating me to satisfy some sick obsession. One look into his eyes again and the fear melted away almost instantly.

"We should probably get to bed," he said, breaking me out of my trance.

Walking down the hallway to our sleeping quarters, I became a little nervous. Would he want to sleep in my bed again? Did I want that, or was it too fast? While I was embarrassed and felt a little immoral about our sleeping arrangement last night, it wasn't really anything romantic, but more protective.

But with our feelings out there in the open air, it didn't feel right to ask him to sleep with me, regardless of the context.

So I turned to him and thanked him for a pleasant night. I kissed him briefly on the lips and said, "Good night."

After stepping out of my clothes, I catch site of my body in the mirror. Sure I have seen _me_ more times than I can count, but I take a second glance and wonder if I posses any outward beauty. Does Peeta see me as a beautiful person on the outside? He has told me time and time again about loving my spirit and personality, and that is surely enough.

But the teenager in me wonders, even for just a brief moment, if there is another side to his affection. I know that I have noticed his muscular build and of course those soft blonde locks that fall sheepishly over his endless blue eyes.

I find my heart rate has picked up a little and I am flushed in my cheeks. _This is definitely new_ I think, but quickly dismiss it and slip into my pajamas and into bed.

I am not sure why sleep won't come. Maybe it is my minds resistance to keep the nightmares at bay for as long as possible. But as I lay there, I swear I can hear soft footsteps outside my door ever so often.

After fighting the sleeplessness for two straight hours, I get up and walk to the door. I quietly open it and peer down the hallway in the direction of his room.

He is standing outside his door with his back to me and one hand running through his hair at the back of his head. When he turns, he seems surprised to see me looking at him.

"I hope I didn't wake you," he said.

"You didn't. I haven't been able to get to sleep," I replied. "What are you doing out here?" I asked.

"This is what I usually do. Just walk the hallways thinking," he answers. "It's my dreams…sometimes they can be really hard to deal with, so I have kind of developed a little insomnia," he said.

It was then that I remember what he said those dreams were about – me. Poor Peeta. His thoughts, during the day, are consumed with the _what ifs_ and now at night the worry over me being gone.

I feel bad for him. Guilty at the thought of it being my fault. I am unsure how he will take this request, but I make it anyway. "Peeta, will you come and lay with me? Even if it's just until I fall asleep," I ask – somewhat timidly.

He walks toward me without saying a word and we go into my room. I tentatively climb into bed with him and it's different than last night. Last night, I was shaking with fear from the nightmare and really didn't even realize he was lying down with me.

But tonight, it is with perfect clarity, and I am nervous. But his gentleman's personality shines though and he simply offers me a warm, protective arm to lie in.

I put my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat and his breathing. A warm feeling of satisfaction comes over me when I sense the rhythmic breathing of a sleeping Peeta.

It is then that I feel like I have truly done something for him, maybe for the first time. It was as if my presence was a heavy dose of sleep-syrup.

I am relieved when my eye lids become heavier as well and again sleep with relatively no nightmares.

The next couple of days are much like the District 10 day. We travel, eat, get dressed up, dance, laugh, and repeat. District's nine, eight, seven, six and five are mostly uneventful aside from Haymitch finding new ways to embarrass us with his _social_ drinking problem.

What I find over time, though, is the calming sense I have at being genuinely in love with Peeta. That calm is battling with something in my mind and I am not quite sure what it is. Something President Snow had told me when we met before the tour – _convince me_.

I am not sure why that plagues my thoughts with fear and uncertainty, but it is always there. I wish I could gage if we are helping calm the unrest in these districts. I have all but resolved in my mind that it doesn't matter, that it's out of my control.

But I am still secretly hoping I can accomplish this, seemingly, impossible feat for the sake of my family's safety.

Haymitch must be sensing the need to escalate our performance as well as he prods us to be more open with kisses and _touching_. I just scowl at him for that last comment, but try to steal more kisses and giggles with Peeta, especially when we are around our audience.

I even suggest that maybe we can stage a marriage proposal during some televised part of the tour. Haymitch likes the idea, but it seems to hit Peeta all wrong.

He just looks at me with a pitiful countenance and quietly agrees. "Sure, we could do something like that," he said.

Then without word, he gets up and walks toward his room. "Did I say something wrong," I ask Haymitch. Really not sure what I did.

"Maybe it was the suggestion of _staging_ a proposal," he replied. "You have to understand that while you are warming up to him, he has already been there – for a while now," he said.

That confuses me even more. "I would have thought this is what he would want then," I said, somewhat sarcastically. "He does, but he wants it to be real," replied Haymitch.

Then the guilt is there again. I wish I could see the reaction before I open my mouth sometimes.

While I do love Peeta, I haven't really translated that into a lifelong commitment. One, I am only 16 years-old, and two, I have been resolved after watching my mother struggle with my father's death, to never allow myself to become that intertwined with another person.

Marriage just isn't in the cards for me. Even with my new-found love of Peeta, I guess I thought we might just date for the next few years or something. I am not really sure I even know what I thought.

He is the daydreamer. I am the survivor. My thought process is still stuck in the day to day mode.

I guess I still live with the idea that District 12 is a little bubble that isn't of any concern to the Capitol and somehow they would enjoy the excitement of the marriage proposal, but not care enough to see it through.

After a while of self-reflection, I get up to go to bed. I walk past my door and stand in front of Peeta's room. I need to talk to him, though I am not sure what I will say, but I feel like I owe him an explanation or an apology.

I knock softly on his door, but he doesn't answer. After a few minutes of this, I make my way back to my room and change for bed.

Again, sleep is eluding me tonight. The usual fears of nightmares about the games, but also the unsettling feelings from our conversation tonight.

Is it possible that Peeta really cares so deeply for me that he would want to marry me? I wonder at how much I have underestimated his affection. Wasn't it just yesterday that I was contemplating whether he was _playing_ me?

After his reaction tonight, I think I can put that idea out of my head. This makes my heart ache a little. He doesn't deserve this kind of relationship, I think.

Peeta deserves someone that is able to reciprocate his love and admiration, and someone that truly treasures his selfless devotion.

At that thought process I find myself becoming a little angry. Not angry at Peeta, but angry with the imaginary person I just introduced into my thoughts. Jealousy would be a better description of this feeling.

I am shocked at myself for becoming jealous of someone that doesn't even exist. But the more I think about Peeta finding someone else, the more my heart aches and my soul seethes.

It's love. That can be the only explanation of why, just the mere thought of him not being mine, causes such a torrent of emotion.

It is then, that I begin to realize that I have already subconsciously put Peeta in my forever. He was there from the moment of the bread when I was 11 and that, which controls our universe, has put us back together at the right moments to emphasize that forever.

For the first time in my life I begin to think about the possibility of being someone's wife. It is foreign and I can't even really picture it, but somehow I know that I want Peeta to be a part of me forever.

Another thought invades my mind and I am back to fearing the damage I may have caused. I can't help myself; I speak, and then realize the impact. I have, once again, stirred the one fear that really grips Peeta – losing me.

I guess suggesting we _stage_ a marriage proposal was enough to plant the idea that he could still lose me somewhere down the road. My heart aches again for the pain that I am sure I have caused.

How many times can I keep dashing his hopes before he shuts me out completely?

I silently wish for some way to convey my feelings for Peeta so that he sees just how much I need him and that I will always need him, but that I am slow in this process and afraid to completely give in to it.

Sleep just isn't coming tonight. I get up and make my way back to the dining car, order a cup of tea, and settle into the couch. It's dark and quiet, and I am alone with my tea and my thoughts.

"I'm sorry," he says and I nearly drop my tea as he startled me. _Pretty stealthy I think, remembering the thunderous noise he made traipsing through the woods during the games._

"You don't have anything to be sorry for, if anything it should be me apologizing to you," I quietly reply.

Peeta takes the seat across from me and stares at his hands. "I just don't know how to keep my emotions in check when they concern you. I have dreamed of a life with you for as long as I have known you, and I just don't know the right things to say and…" he says, but I cut him off by reaching out and taking his hands.

"Peeta, I am scared. I am scared of letting go and taking you in completely, only to have you taken from me," I said.

"I have never given marriage a second thought…" I began, but paused. Then continued, "Until now."

He looked up at me and I went on, "I am trying to balance my hope that we can somehow convince everyone that what we did wasn't rebellious, that it was love. Balance that with the newfound feelings I have discovered for you."

"I am not capable, at least not right now, of thinking beyond tomorrow. It's just not me. I know certain things and have accepted them. I know that I love you. I know that I want you to be a part of my life. I don't know what I am capable of giving you, and it scares me," I tell him.

How can I convey that my fear is that I am dashing his hopes of happiness by being in his life and not being able to give him what he obviously wants – marriage, kids, a family?

"Katniss," he begins, "I don't know what you think I want right now. Honestly, I am not even sure what it is – completely either," he said.

"I felt my heart flood with joy when you told me you loved me, and I guess it inspired hope that with love, nothing could come between us. Sure I have _daydreamed_ about marrying you and raising our children with you," he said and the thought of kids makes my skin crawl, but I try to suppress the facial expression.

"I want a life with you, a life that is forever. I guess I just over-reacted to the thought that you wanted to _pretend_ that's what we wanted for the cameras," he said.

"That's what I am sorry for. I don't mean to over-react and I know that all of this is new to you; it's new to me as well. I am willing to do whatever you think may help keep our families safe," he finished.

"We can think about it then," I replied. Not sure what I should say anymore, an old habit of just getting to the end and shutting down was creeping up in me.

We just sat there in silence for a few more minutes and it felt like hours. I have no idea what he was thinking about, but was fully aware that my heart was still processing my last words _we can think about it then._

Think about what? Was I thinking about the prospect of actually marrying this boy, or was it thinking about staging a proposal without any regard for it coming to fruition.

Then I am back to thinking about my life with Peeta, a life as his wife. Confusing, utterly confusing is the only way to describe it. I know that this will not be something I can resolve in one night, so I suggest we try to salvage some of the night and get up to go back to my room.

Without saying a word, as if we were both thinking the same thing, he follows me into my room and takes up, what could only be known as, his spot in my bed.

Sleep is quick, but the nightmares persist this night. I wake up to his soothing voice telling me it's alright, that he's here with me and it was just a dream.

Morning comes and we are approaching District 4. I was actually a little excited about this stop because I would see the ocean for the first time in my life.

Peeta told me how one of the tributes from District 4 had described the beauty of an ocean sunset and knowing that the colors of sunset orange were his favorite, I was a little excited for him as well.

There was no more mention of proposals either. Whether we were just both purposely avoided the subject, or that we were caught up in the beauty of the beach, neither one of us made mention of it.

I still wrestled with the feelings that had been conjured up surrounding our relationship and its future, but I kept all those thoughts to myself.

It wasn't until I was alone with Haymitch and he kept eyeing me that I finally opened up a little.

"What's bothering you now sweetheart?" he slurred between long drags on the flask in his hand.

Without really thinking about it, I told him how I was confused about the whole marriage proposal thing.

"It may go a long way to helping prove your case," he suggested. Then he continued, "But I am guessing that this is another one of those _truth_ moments, huh?

Just the way he said the word _truth_ stung a little, but I have long since given up on the idea that I could hide my true feelings from Haymitch. He reads me like an open book.

"Why didn't you ever settle down?" I asked him.

"Probably for the same reason you are afraid to think about doing it. Figured they can't hurt me by using the ones I love if I don't love anyone," he said. It was like I was talking to myself. Funny how alike we are. It's also probably the reason why we have this love-hate relationship.

"But if you are thinking about it, I will tell you this…you could do a lot worse than that boy," he added.

He is right. Peeta is pretty much the pinnacle of what any girl would want or need. Strong, carrying, compassionate, and selfless are all attributes that could have his picture next to them.

Our conversation is interrupted by Cinna, who announces it's time to get ready. I make my way to my room and lying before me on the bed is a beautiful orange dress. The material is a lightweight fabric and feels so soft on my skin.

When I have it on, I look in the mirror and know that Peeta is going to love this. It's his favorite color – sunset orange.

It is in that moment, standing there, that I realize that my first thought with regard to how I look or how I feel is how it will affect Peeta. He is my first thought about everything.

Growing – that is what this is, a growing passion for him. What started out as a ruse to survive has slowly continued to blossom into a heart that is opening for him and making room for him to…take up permanent residence?

When I see him standing by the doorway, I see his lips curve into a smile and his eyes take me in. Without thinking about it, I am spinning for his delight. As we join hands and prepare to walk out, I tell him, "I love you Peeta."

All eyes are on us, and I realize that it's the first time I have said those words in the presence of anyone other than just us. Haymitch gives me a slight smirk and we are on to the banquet.

The air in District four has a distinct smell of salt water. Not like the kind my mother would give us for sore throats or raw sores, but a warm comforting smell that instantly relaxes you.

After our speeches, and awards, we are eating and dancing, but I have an alternate plan brewing in my mind.

We mingle around the room until I have strategically steered us near the back exit. When another high energy song strikes up, I take the momentary excitement from the crowd as my opportunity to slip outside with Peeta in tow.

"Where are we going," he says.

"I want to see something, and I want to see it with you," I reply.

We walk across a wooden pathway with sand on each side until we are looking at the most expansive body of water our eyes have ever seen – the ocean.

Its perfect timing, as the sun has started to cool and the radiance of its light is beginning to dull toward that muted color that Peeta described.

Hand in hand we watch as it dips lower and lower, kissing the water and seemingly melting into the horizon. When half of the sun has been eclipsed by the water line, I turn to Peeta and take his face in my hands

Our eyes are locked on each other, searching for something, some sort of confirmation.

We both start toward one another and meet somewhere in the middle with our lips. This isn't like the other chaste kisses we have shared; this kiss has passion behind it.

As if the sun has transferred all its energy to us, we continue to explore each other's lips with a heated rush. Somewhere in the middle of this exchange, my mouth has parted slightly and I feel his tongue brush across my lips.

I allow this exploration and return the favor. The heat that welled up in my core during that one kiss in the cave has returned here and now.

But rather than back away, fearful of its meaning, I embrace it. I have never felt this way before, and subconsciously my hands have found Peeta's back and we are drawing each other impossibly closer.

Sometime during this moment we end up lying in the sand with me partially on top of Peeta's chest. The sound of a large crashing wave brings me back to the sense of reality and we break free of our kiss.

Peeta caresses my jaw line as we continue to stare into each other's eyes. The feeling of morality creeps back in and we sit back up starring out into the ocean.

The entire sky is blanketed in that sunset orange as the sun has disappeared from our view. With a smile I grab Peeta's hand and pull him to his feet. I have another idea now, and start toward the water.

Peeta gives me a weird look as if I am serious, and I answer that look with action. In a few steps we are ankle deep in the ocean, and in a few more, the waves are crashing against our waists.

It is in the silliness of all this that I get my answer about Peeta. The answer to the struggling question of whether I could ever marry him or not. That answer is…of course I could. Someday, I could see myself as his wife.

The shriek of an Effie Trinket signals that our ocean romp has been discovered and that we are sure to get a _talking to_.

Back on the train and in dry clothes, we make our way together toward the dining car where an obviously distraught Effie is glaring at us. Haymitch has begun the process of maintain his state of drunkenness, but smirks when he sees us.

"I know you are _in love_ and it's natural to…well…," says Effie. She continues, "But it is very poor manners to just disappear like that!"

"Leave em' alone," pipes Haymitch. "Young love…does what young love does," he muses, almost to himself.

We apologize for being disrespectful, but the squeeze on my knee under the table underscores my own feelings. I wouldn't have changed it in any way.

When it's time for bed, I am a little uncomfortable. Not because I am afraid of Peeta _escalating_ things, but because I am not sure I have complete control.

However, as we crawl into bed, I assume my place on Peeta's chest and he makes no further advances. With a small kiss on my forehead, his embrace warm and comforting, we drift off to sleep.

The last three stops on the tour are rather uneventful, however the last stop is looming ahead – the Capitol.

As we have gotten closer to the Capitol, the news reports have been abuzz about the festivities awaiting the insatiable star-crossed lovers from District 12. Whereas in past years, the news may have been about the victor marching triumphantly into the gala, all our press seems to be about love.

_This is good_ I think as the stark reminder of the task at-hand comes to the forefront of my mind.

When we arrive in the Capitol we are interviewed by an endless stream of reporters and we silently giggle at the crazy fashion that has gripped this place. Everywhere I look, I see my mockingjay symbol.

The naivety of these people will never cease to amaze me. It must be driving Snow crazy. The symbol of the rebellious girl that sparked all the unrest in the districts is everywhere you look. _Small victories_ I think and smile.

We are escorted back to our original quarters in the training building that we shared during our last stay in the Capitol.

Cinna takes me to my room and my prep team gets to work bathing, scrubbing, soaking, and prepping me for the party tonight.

We will do a live interview with Caesar and then go to the President's mansion for the party of all parties we are told.

When I emerge from my room, Peeta is nowhere to be found. After a few minutes he comes in the front door and I inquire as to his absence.

"I was asked for a personal interview," he said. "They will probably ask you to do one by yourself too," he finished.

Within a half hour we are seated on the love-seat style couch in front of the cameras and the large crowd gathered for the interview.

Caesar inquires as to how the tour has been, and Peeta replies for the both of us while I just smile.

After endless questions about our _new life_ together, Caesar cuts to the quick and asks us what the future holds for the nation's favorite couple.

Peeta looks at me with nervous eyes and then stands and tells Caesar that there is something that he needs to do if it's alright with him.

My heart begins to race as he slowly lowers himself to his good knee. The noise of the crowd gushing over this new _unexpected_ turn of events fades away as I hold his gaze.

"Katniss, I have loved you since we were five years-old. I have prayed, hoped and dreamed about this moment for so long. You are the perfect piece to complete my life. No one could ever fit the way you do. I want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side…as my wife. Will you do me the honor and be my wife?" he says.

We hadn't discussed this since I first brought it up before we got to District 4. I hadn't really thought about it much since then either.

I looked into his eyes, as if I was searching his soul. I wasn't sure what I was looking for. Truth - that was it. Was this real? Was this Peeta asking me to spend the rest of my life with him?

I knew the answer. Just like I knew the truth when he said he loved me. I don't deserve this, I will surely do things that make it difficult to love me, but he doesn't care.

I give him the most sincere look I can, trying to communicate to him, so that he is not, in anyway, confused by my answer. "Yes," I almost whisper. "Yes, I _will_ spend the rest of my life with you," I say with more confidence and volume.

The crowd erupts and Peeta produces a simple, yet beautiful diamond ring. I raise my eyebrows at him, _personal interview huh?_ He simply nods and smiles. But his smile has more telling behind it. He believes me.

My moment of pure ecstasy is shattered when _he_ walks out onto the stage. Instantly my skin becomes clammy and my grip on Peeta's hand tightens. President Snow wraps his arms around both of our shoulders and congratulates us on our engagement.

He then says something about throwing us a wedding in the Capitol and we simply smile. It is then that I wonder if we have been_ convincing_ and I give him a look that asks, _how did we do_? His unnoticeable shake of the head tells me we have not accomplished our goal.

I am crushed inside as the weight of what that could mean begins to eat at my heart. I am instantly worried for my mother and Prim. Gale, his family, Peeta's family. All in danger.

But what is different about this day, from any other day? We live in constant fear every day of our lives, so nothing new.

But it is the hidden meaning behind the mischievous grin on Snow's face that scares me to my core. _Convince me_. It pops out again in my mind and I am still unsure of its meaning.

The rest of the night is spent with endless congratulations, parties, music, dancing and food. When we make it back to the car and are on our way to the train, I take my first breath as an engaged woman.

I look at Peeta who is beaming with a joy that is too much for words. I am happy that I was able to bring this to him. Whatever part I played, I have managed to be a part of happiness for him and that makes me smile.

On the train, we lay facing each other and he smiles.

"I love you. I know that this wasn't expected and that you might still have doubts, but I am willing to wait as long as you need to be comfortable with the idea. Just knowing that you love me and are willing to pledge your life to me is more than I could have ever imagined," he says.

Although I know with the Capitol in the mix, my timeline may be dictated, it warms my heart to hear him express how much respect he has for my feelings and confidence. This is why I love him. This is why I will marry him one day.

I close my eyes and sleep is upon me quickly. My dreams mix with my nightmares, but I manage a decent night's sleep.

I am thankful for that. Who knows what type of hell we will face back home, having failed in our assigned task. So for tonight, I welcome a peaceful slumber and the comfort of lying in the arms of the man that I love.

**A/N: **Wow. That felt like it took an eternity to get through. I hope the length didn't bore you to death. This was a fun chapter to write. I am planning one more chapter to see how their world has changed in 12, and to see how they will react to the Quell announcement. The Gale angle will re-emerge, I think. It's easy to act one way when there isn't any pressure from the "past". Should be interesting! I think getting them to the Quell will suffice as an ending as their apparent love shines through more prominently from that point. I may do an add-on story that deals with the time in 13 as I think _my_ Katniss would behave a little differently from the one depicted in MJ. I am also thinking through my own version of post MJ. Please review and give me feedback. Always welcome!


	11. Back Home

**A/N:** Well, the last chapter was mushy and definitely off character from the HG Katniss we know, but not impossible if she had embraced her feelings sooner in the story line. This chapter will attempt to get us to "the quell", where I think the original story line could play out more or less. I Plan to introduce a few twists and turns to keep this from becoming a happily ever after…at least not yet.

**Back Home**

We woke up from an unusually peaceful sleep, and tried to prepare for the day. No more victory tour, but endless publicity as we will arrive back in our district today.

"Good morning," he said as he stretched his arms toward the ceiling. I smiled. I am still not great with _pillow talk_, so I just smile.

Peeta leaves my room to get ready for our arrival in 12. I am left with my thoughts. They started last night as I watched him sleep.

What will life look like back home? I am engaged to Peeta, yet I still feel like a child in some ways. I was mortified at the thought of facing my mother. Would she be excited, or would there be an air of _your too young?_

Then I thought about _him_. I haven't really given Gale much thought since I left for the victory tour. We had that awkward conversation in the woods a couple days before I left, and I had walked away with a deep confusion, but a hope for a friendship.

The confusion, at least in my mind, was not about who I loved, or who I _wanted _but more about who Peeta was to me. I had resolved in my mind that Gale would always be a friend, but nothing more.

Sure there are times when I thought about Gale and I in that regard, usually just fleeting moments of wonder, but everyone does that. It was never serious. Besides, I am committed to Peeta. I made that plainly clear in front of the world when I accepted his proposal.

Effie announces that we are about an hour away, so we relax around the table in the dining car, without much conversation. While Peeta and I have both conceded that our effort to calm the storm wasn't a success, we haven't really talked about what that could mean.

Snow made it obvious that my family and the families of those that I cared about were in jeopardy if I failed, but what would that look like? Would I run? That was a thought that Gale and I had discussed several times – running away into the wilderness.

As the train gets cooler with each passing mile, the thought of surviving alone seems impossible in the harsh winter, never mind the thought of having to keep several families alive and well. But still not totally out of the picture.

I was looking forward to getting through whatever publicity stunts we had to do, and get some alone time with Haymitch. Though his drunkenness and total disdain for life irked me to the core of my soul, I have come to appreciate his grasp of the state of this world we live in.

I imagine how hard it must have been to face him in his games, because under all the hard-nosed, defiant exterior is a very cunning and intelligent man. He may have some sort of _wisdom_ that can help me figure out my next move.

The thought of figuring out each move in my life depresses me a little. It was so much simpler when no one knew who I was and no one cared. I woke up, I hunted, I went to school, I hunted, I fed my family.

But that has never been the case. _Someone_ has always known who I was. _Someone_ has always cared. That _someone_ is sitting by my side right now with a look of wonder and focus in his eyes.

I am still amazed at how my body has betrayed me in the last 6 months. I had developed a pretty solid exterior complete with a cold, indifferent shoulder, hard jaw line, and permanent scowl. But every time my thoughts included Peeta, my countenance softened, and warmth seeped throughout my body. Just for a moment, sometimes, I was a soft and caring person.

"What are you thinking about," I asked Peeta?

"Oh, nothing really. I am just wondering what the reaction is going to be to _us,_" he said, somewhat, embarrassed. "It really hasn't been the best back home since we came back from the games. Sometimes I think my mother is actually disappointed that I returned," he said.

The look in his eyes becomes that of pain and sorrow. I am instantly hurt for him. My dislike of Peeta's mother was based on my personal encounter that day in the alley, but I had never really thought about her treatment of him that day being the norm.

"Peeta, don't say that, of course your family is happy that they still have you," I softly tell him and with that I wrap my arms around his neck and give him a soft kiss. "Even if they don't show it as much as _I _do," I tease.

"Katniss, I just want us to be able to continue what we found during this trip, our feelings for each other. I guess I am just a little worried that we'll lose it somewhere along the way when we are back home," he says.

"Peeta, my love for you wasn't built on this trip. It took a lot for me to see it and understand it, but my love for you has been in my heart for a long time. It might not always be easy to show it, but don't ever doubt it…I love you," I said

The hills of our district began to become prominent in the train windows and uneasiness creaps into my stomach. I wasn't really sure what the cause was, but it was definitely there. Here I was telling Peeta how things were going to be good back home, at least between us, and I was the one getting nervous.

As the train screeched to a halt, we took our places at the door. The cheers of our district were loud at the platform. We would have a short speech from the mayor welcoming us back, and then it would be off to the Harvest Festival meal.

The festival was normally subdued by the fact that the tributes were gone, and the reality of another reaping was less than 6 months away. Oh how I longed for a day when that wasn't the reality any more. Though I doubted it would ever happen, some small part of me hoped that maybe the _unrest_ that Snow feared would one day be able to make a difference and, perhaps, generations down the road, kids could live a life free of constant fear.

After the festival activities, Peeta and I were invited, along with our entourage, to the mayor's house for a dinner in our honor.

While waiting for Peeta to get ready, I roamed around the second floor of the mayor's house and happened by his personal study. A loud beeping noise coming from a black screen on the television caught my attention.

The words _UPDATE ON DISTRICT 8_ peaked my curiosity, so I stepped inside. What I saw next made my heart stand still. People were all over the streets, throwing things, setting fires, screaming and _fighting. _Yes, they were fighting the peace keepers.

The reporter was saying something about how additional resources were being prepared to deal with the uprising that had gripped the district and how the nation would have to adjust to the lack of product coming from the district.

I heard footsteps on the stairs and quickly exited the office just in time to turn around and see Mayor Undersee coming around the corner. "Katniss, what are you doing? Looking for Madge," he said with a smile?

"Yes, I was going to show her my new dress before dinner," I quickly lied.

He motioned down the hallway toward her bedroom and I left without another word. As I was walking away, I head the beeping noise again and he disappeared in the office.

What I had witnessed on the tour and now the television report added to my anxiety. Not only had Snow not been convinced, but there was an actual uprising in a district. My family was certainly no longer safe.

Peeta walked with my mother, Prim and I back to Victor's Village following our dinner. Out of respect, or maybe fear, of my mother, Peeta and I kept our hands firmly by our own sides.

At the foot our front porch steps, Peeta bid us a good night, and my mother quickly took Prim's hand and said, "Come along now, we'll give you two a few minutes to say_ goodnight_."

I was completely embarrassed and my eyes went straight to my shoes. While I was the bright-eyed, smiling bride-to-be for the national television audience in the Capitol, back home I was about as backward as one could be.

When I did look up, Peeta had the same sheepish look of embarrassment on his face as well. We were obviously both so new at this and that, combined with being home, had definitely left us in an awkward state of mind.

"So, what now," he asked? I just looked at him, a little confused by the question. "I mean, when will I see you again," he continued?

I had no idea. The tour had been so scripted and it was a given that we would be hopelessly glued to each other's side the whole time. So this was foreign territory.

I knew that I didn't want to go back to that uncomfortable period we had after we returned from the games. I need…no, I want Peeta firmly in my life. So that wasn't an option.

"Let's have lunch together tomorrow. Maybe we can invite Haymitch. Keep him sober, or at least somewhat sober, for another day," I replied. "Sounds good," he answered.

He stepped forward and took my face in his hands and then his lips were pressed to mine. Immediately, the warmth returned, and I no longer cared what anyone may have thought. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love _you_," I answered and turned to walk up the steps.

It was small moments like tonight that may be able to keep me from going crazy with anxiety and fear. Peeta saved my life with a few loaves of bread many years ago and now he would save me on a daily basis with his steadfast love and presence. He was my rock.

After a very fitful night of sleep and nightmares, I awoke mentally and physically drained. This would be an adjustment – sleeping without Peeta's strong arms holding me and protecting me from the nightmares.

It was still dark outside, sunrise still at least an hour away. I pulled on a pair of pants, a long sleeve shirt, and some kind of heavily lined winter jacket that Cinna had given me on the tour. It would be much better at protecting me against the elements. I quietly slipped downstairs and out the door.

I needed to be in the woods today. If nothing else, just to clear my mind a little and try and figure out the best way to keep my family safe.

Just six or seven months ago, I was doing this very same type of thinking, but it was about food. How would I keep my sister from starving to death? Saving their lives was my main focus. So this train of thought is natural, just a little different circumstances.

I quickly found my sheath of arrows and my bow and began making my way along a familiar path. I settled into a comfortable spot and surveyed the woods. I love it here. The soft sounds of nature, the feeling of _burrowing_ down for the harsh winter months.

It amazes me how peaceful it can be in these old hills. Something caught my eye for just a second. I eased back into the covering of the brush beside me. Then I saw him.

It's Sunday. I had completely forgotten what day of the week it is. I have not seen Gale in so long, and here he is walking toward me. I am not sure if he saw me or not so I ease back into view.

The look in his eyes is hardened, not in an anger, but more so in a _tired_ sense. Gale celebrated his 18th birthday in district 12 fashion and took his rightful place in the mines – slaving for the benefit of the privileged in the Capitol.

Seeing how _they_ live first-hand, and their thought process for the _entertainment_, which is the surrounding districts, made our living conditions seem much harsher and more unfair then I had ever imagined growing up.

"Hey Catnip, he said" I took this as a sign of friendship that he would still use my nickname. Instantly I am overwhelmed with nostalgic feelings of how things _used to be_. I am also very afraid of being seen with him.

Not so much because I am an engaged woman now, but because I am afraid that anyone I am seen befriending will not fare well in the Capitol's _punishment_ plan for me.

"Let's walk," I quickly say without any explanation. Gale follows me. I know exactly where I need to go. Where I think I will be out of reach of the Capitol's monitoring and any watchful eyes.

When we reach the lake, I point toward the old abandoned house. I brought a light snack to keep my hunger at bay until lunch, and Gale has already bagged game. My thought process is all over the place. I don't understand why, but it's just too much for me to process.

When I saw Gale, my heart ached a little, and when he used my nickname, it ached even more. While I thought I had dismissed him, or feelings for him, my mind and heart were telling me different.

"I didn't expect you here," he said, not looking at me, but staring out the window. "Why did you ask me to come here?"

Why had I asked him to follow me here? I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to find that normalcy that we once shared as hunting partners and friends.

Introducing love and affection into my life had complicated so many things. Suddenly I was just as uncomfortable with Gale as I had been the first time I met him.

"I just wanted to talk to you and see how you were doing. It feels like it has been so long since we had a conversation and the last time…" my voice trailed off at the ending.

"Yeah, last time I talked to you, you told me to have a nice life, or something like that," he said.

"That's not what I wanted you to get from that. I just needed to be honest about how I felt. I didn't really know exactly how you felt, but you kissed me and I just didn't want you to hold on to something that might not ever be there," I said.

What was I saying here? _Might_ not ever be there? How could anything between us ever be there when I am engaged to Peeta?

Just thinking about Peeta made me all the more uncomfortable here. I guess being so far away from Gale and constantly by Peeta made it easy to not think about any feelings for Gale. But being here, alone with him, definitely had stirred up repressed emotion.

"Well I am fine. Is that what you want to hear? Will that help you sleep better at night? I work in the mines six days a week, hunt all day on Sunday and try to take care of my family," he said.

I know he is not happy and _fine. _I feel like it's all my fault. I don't know why I have a longing in my heart to keep Gale near me. If I make him this uncomfortable, shouldn't I just leave him to be? I can't do that.

"Gale…I missed you. I miss _us_. We used to be able to spend the entire day together without anything being awkward," I said. It was true. I had never given Gale a second thought when it came to anything romantic.

I am not sure who moved first, but in the next moment I was pressed against his chest in a tight embrace. I breathed in the scent of worn leather and closed my eyes.

"Katniss, I just can't let go of you," he began. "I need you in my life, and it just hurts so much to see you moving in another direction. It should be me," he said.

I know what he's talking about. A life with Peeta. As if the thought of his name spurred my mind back into the present, I broke the embrace and stepped back.

Confusion. There was really no other word to describe how I felt right now. Worried would be the next emotion. _Hadn't I already resolved this? Yes, then why I am feeling such weird feelings right now?_ I thought.

"Gale, I just…" I started to speak, but he cut me off. "Don't say it. I already know that I am too late. I know you don't feel anything for me. So let's not pretend," he said.

He turned toward the door and paused. "Did you just bring me out here to see if I was doing alright, or is there something else?" he asked.

"I wanted to see how you were doing. I am scared for you," I blurted out. Gale's eyes softened a little and he asked, "Why are you scared for me?"

I spent the next half hour recounting the victory tour. I _conveniently_ left out any mention of Peeta, but told him of the energy and unrest in the other districts and I even told him about Snow's threats to hurt those that I cared about.

"So that's why you are doing all this?" he said. Not entirely sure what he was talking about, I simply nodded my head. "I just want to keep _everyone_ safe," I replied.

Gale smiled a little. _What is that for_ I thought to myself. "Katnip, you are something else," he said and crossed the room, wrapping me in his arms once more.

"I have to get going," I said. I am totally confused now. More than I was when I first got here, and after the first hug if that's even possible.

"I'll see you later," he replied.

Outside, we made our way back to the path toward the town and parted ways near the tree where I hid my bow and arrows. I stayed within the wood line heading to a spot in the fence closer to the town. Gale headed off in the opposite direction.

I wasn't really sure what I had said to make Gale do an about-face in demeanor. But maybe he was warming up to the idea of still being a good friend. A partner…oh no!

It was like a light bulb suddenly turned on in my head. His question _Is that why you are doing all of this?_

Was he talking about the engagement? Did I just pull Gale back into a part of my life that isn't for him? Did something inside me want to keep him there?

When I see Peeta walking toward me with a concerned look on his face, it dawns on me that we had made plans to have lunch together with Haymitch.

It is well past lunch time, and from the look on Peeta's face he has an idea of where I may have been…or better yet, with whom I have been.

"Hey there, I was getting worried about you," he said a little tentatively.

There was no use covering, and I didn't want to lie to Peeta. "I went to the woods today and lost track of time." I said. Then I added, "I ran into Gale while I was there."

"Oh…how is he doing?" Peeta asked with a hint of hurt in his voice.

"He is alright I guess," I said. I know my short clipped responses are just driving the worry deeper into Peeta's mind.

"Did you already go see Haymitch?" I asked.

"Yeah, I took him some lunch. I went by your house when you didn't show up, and your mother said she had not seen you this morning. I was just heading into to town for a little bit," he said.

Hoping to ease his worry a little, I offered, "would you like some company?"

"Sure," was his reply, and we headed toward the town square.

A large group of people had formed around the square and an unfamiliar sound filled our ears. We walked in the direction of the commotion, but could not see what was happening.

Peeta took my hand and led me around the group to a place where he was able to climb up on a crate and peer over the gawkers. I was just about to follow him when he pushed me back down and pleaded with me to return to my house.

"What is it," I demanded. At the sound of my voice several of the onlookers, turned and backed away from me. I could now see what the spectacle was. It was Gale…being whipped by a peace keeper I had not seen before.

Instinct took over and I rushed to his side. His body lay limp in the dirt held up only by his hands which were tied to a post. Above him was a dead turkey. He must have shot it after we separated.

All of this happened so quickly that I didn't account for the fact that a whipping was still taking place and in that moment, the leather of the whip split my cheek open. I must have dove straight into the path when I reached Gale.

Searing pain gripped me and I toppled to the ground. I quickly realized that Peeta had also run into the _battle_ and was struggling with the peace keeper, demanding he not lay another hand on me.

An action that would surely get him punished, possibly killed had it not been for our mentor rescuing us again.

Haymitch brought to light that the guard had just struck the newest victor, and something about the fact that I had to be presentable for the Capitol and so on. I was too stunned by the blow to understand all he said, but it must have worked.

After a quick conversation with another peace keeper, the guard quit his punishment ritual and walked away from the square.

Peeta quickly used a knife to cut the ropes that bound Gale, and he along with a couple of Gale's mining partners, helped carry him toward the Victor Village.

I knew we were going to my house. My mother is the town healer and still treats all those who afflicted with disease or injury.

I am devastated at the thought that this punishment was so severe because of Gale's relationship with me. Was this new peace keeper strategically placed here by President Snow to ensure harsher conditions on all those I held dear to me?

When we got to the house, my mother sprang into action and quickly cleared the table for the men to put Gale down. She asked me how bad my face was and told me to get something cold on it to help with the swelling.

The next 30 minutes or so were a flurry of voices, and agonizing moans of pain from Gale. He had been beaten severely. At some point in all of this, I had become angry with my mother for seemingly withholding the best treatments and after a barrage of profanity and screaming, was dragged out of the room by Haymitch and Peeta.

They didn't let go of me until we reached my bed, and when Peeta tried to sit down and comfort me, I demanded he leave me alone.

I began to sob, and at some point passed out from exhaustion.

I open my eyes and realize that the early morning sun has started to pour through the blinds.

My face has a burning sensation and I remember with perfect clarity the events that unfolded last night. I am still in the clothes I wore yesterday as I opened the door.

In the hallway outside my room is a blanket and pillow. I dismiss them and make my way downstairs.

Gale is still laying on the table, asleep I think, but not moaning or fidgeting.

Haymitch is asleep in the recliner and Peeta…he is nowhere to be found.

I begin to remember how mean and hateful I was to him last night when he helped Haymitch put me in bed and I feel awful.

What a mess I made of yesterday. First running off and not telling anyone where I was going, the awkward encounter with Gale that set my heart and mind on a tangent of confusion, missing my lunch date with Peeta and then verbally forcing him out of my presence.

I hear Gale begin to moan a little bit and try to lift his head up. I walk over to him and begin to stroke his hair and whisper, "It's ok, I'm here. Just lay still and try to relax."

In my effort to try and help him calm down, I didn't hear the front door open or close. I glance back to toward the living room and see a pair of distant blue eyes watching me. I realize that I am still stroking Gale's hair and pull my hand back.

Peeta never says anything, but instead walks to the counter and sits down a basket of fresh bread. "I thought you all might be hungry this morning, so I made some extra cheese buns," he said.

"Thank you," I said quietly standing up, and I walked over to wear Peeta was standing.

"Peeta, I am sorry about…" I started to say, but he held his hand up. Then both hands were cupping my face, careful not to touch the reddened whelp, and then his lips were on my lips.

I melted. No matter what I may do, or how bad I may treat him, he never changes. I return the kiss with a heart-deep passion and wrap my arms around his neck. "I am sorry," is all I manage to say.

"You were upset and hurt. I understand," he replied.

"I should get going, and let you…do whatever it is that you need to do," he said.

But I don't want him to leave. I need to tell him about the mess that I made yesterday. I want to calm any fears he may have because of my absence yesterday.

During this time, Haymitch has woken up and glares at both of us. "We need to have a talk, the three of us…now," he says.

We make our way into the study. "I don't know what the hell has brought this new _peach_ to our district, but it is an obvious attempt to tighten down the reins on all of us," Haymitch said.

"So what do we need to do? It is obviously our…my fault for not being convincing enough. Do we run away, fight, what?" I asked.

"We do exactly what we started out doing. We go along as planned. The wedding, the compliance, all of it," he said.

I start to reply and Haymitch gives me a look that says shut up, not in here, we'll talk more later. He knows that the house is probably bugged.

Haymitch leaves the room, but I stop Peeta and ask him to stay. I spend the next hour recounting yesterday's events. I don't leave out any details.

"What is going on Katniss?" Peeta asks with a blank look on his face. "Where are we going? I mean, I thought you and I…" he stops speaking and stares out the window.

I did it again. I keep doing this - letting my uncertainty and shaky confidence hurt people.

"Katniss, I told you that I can be patient and give you all the time you want to be ready for _us_, but I don't know that I can do that if you aren't sure who you want to be with, or if you want to be with anyone at all," he said.

I just sit in silence for a few minutes. Not sure what to say, and I am sure that my non-response is not helping out at all.

"Peeta, I don't doubt us. I was confused yesterday by how I felt about my relationship with Gale. I don't know why, I just feel bad for him. I have, in some way, ever since I knew he cared about me…deeper," I said.

"But I love you. I know that. I didn't accept your marriage proposal because I thought it would help us pull off the _convincing_ plan. I accepted it because I know I want to be with you, now and forever," I said.

Tears begin to spill down my cheeks. "I know I haven't made life easier for you, or anyone for that matter. I keep making mistakes that hurt people," I said.

I stood up from my chair and crossed the room. Tentatively, I wrapped my arms around Peeta's waist as he continued to look out the window. When he didn't move, I start to think that I have pushed him too far.

"Katniss, I love you. I am sorry if I read too much into this, I am just so scared of losing you," Peeta said.

With those words he turned around and faced me. We kissed with a new found energy. I silently thanked him for never giving up on me and being there for me. His reply was simple, "I'll always be there for you."

Over the next couple days, Gale continues to improve and by the next Saturday, he is well enough to return home.

I walked with him down the lane to the entrance of Victor's Village and told him of how I didn't mean to confuse him, if I had, about my feelings for him. He admitted he thought I was telling him that the whole engagement had been a ruse, but that he had watched Peeta and I that first morning he was under my mother's care and realized that Peeta was my choice.

I felt a wave of relief knowing, or at least thinking that we could settle into a friendship without the awkwardness. It was for the best, as I was pretty resolved to not spend much time with him for fear of the Capitol being more brutal to those that I cared about.

The next month saw our district transform under the new head peace keeper. Daily punishment was a norm. Extended hours in harsh conditions in the mines were imposed on all shifts. The _rewards_ due our district because of mine and Peeta's victory were late, or not delivered at all.

District 12 started to look more like District 11 with the oppressive rule. I didn't venture out into the woods as often until one early spring morning.

I wake up to a quiet house, which is unusual as the number of patients needing my mother's care has greatly increased. But on this morning, I have the urge to slip into the woods. It is during this trip that I meet two refugees from District 8.

They tell me a story of how their district revolted to the point that the Capitol, all but, destroyed their entire district with bombings and mass shootings. They were making a run for District 13. I laughed it off at the time, thinking the elements had made them delusional. But when they showed me the bread they had brought along with my mockingjay symbol baked into it, I began to realize just how damaging I had been to the fragile world Snow controlled.

While returning from my traipse in the woods, I encountered a long-forgotten danger of being outside the fence – getting caught outside the fence. The humming of the electrified fence almost didn't reach my ears in time.

I retreated to the woods to _wait it out_, but after an hour I realized that this was probably planned. How long had they waited for me to be out here and what type of punishment awaited me when they came to find me?

After a daring attempt to drop over the top of the fence from a nearby tree, I was hobbling, obviously injured back toward my home. I stumbled to the backdoor and nearly collapsed to the floor when I noticed the peace keeper uniform standing in my kitchen.

I quickly conjured up a _story_ about why I was out and where I had been. Luckily I had decided to stop at the Apothecary to buy some supplies for my mother. The bandages proved to be solid proof that I was about the town and not out in the woods.

The peace keepers left with a look of disgust, and I fell to the floor in pain. My mother made a quick assessment of my injuries and ordered me to bed. After three painful steps, a pair of strong yet delicate arms wrap around me, easily picking me up.

I turned my head into his chest and Peeta carried me upstairs to my room. He turned away as I changed into a soft pair of pajama pants and when I was ready, leaned down for a goodnight kiss.

I flashed back to the train during the tour and immediately couldn't bear the thought of being without him tonight. When he stood to leave, I refused to let go of his hand and simply asked that he stay with me. His words will forever be on my mind and my heart…_always._

The good thing about my injury is that I am_ forced_ to spend all my time cooped up in my house with Peeta. He keeps me filled with cheese buns and we share conversation, silliness, and tender kisses.

The three weeks of bed-rest also gave us a lot of time to grow closer together. It is much needed, as my confusion and distance put pressure on _us._ Though our life appeared to be steadily improving and no obvious attempts were made at hurting us or our families, it was never far from our minds.

I had managed to talk to Gale a few times as he would visit my mother for check-ups and dressing changes. We steered clear of any uncomfortable conversation, though he filled me in on the growing energy in the mines. More and more people were starting to get used to the idea of an uprising in our district.

Haymitch says it will never work here. At least not now. We are a small district and would need almost every able-bodied man and woman to come together and fight for even a remote chance. "We just don't have the numbers," said Haymitch.

I can tell Haymitch is worried, but I am not really sure why. He seems more on edge than usual, like he's waiting for something. He blames it on the lack of alcohol since the Capitol shut the Hob down.

Still, we continue on as planned. I was right to assume the Capitol would take over in the wedding department. While it was sweet for Peeta to offer a lengthy engagement, I feared that it would be out of our hands.

When Cinna phoned to tell me of an incoming shipment, I was excited. But when I opened the box and realized it was filled with wedding gowns, my face dropped a little.

I want to marry Peeta, but I want it to be on our terms, in our time. We are a private district without much fuss over the frills of typical weddings. The over-presence of the Capitol, combined with the obvious expedited time-table, have taken all the joy out of what should be the most wonderful day of our lives.

I also learn that I will be expected to participate in a photo shoot, modeling each dress for some sort of silly Capitol vote. Apparently President Snow has offered to let the Capitol decide which gown I will wear at the wedding which is to be thrown in the President's Mansion.

In an attempt to take my mind off of the wedding fiasco, Peeta strikes up conversation one afternoon. "Just think Kat, it will be spring and then summer soon. You can get outside and maybe we can find new ways to get you back into the woods," he said.

I know he is trying to lighten my mood. He can't seem to stand it when I am in a foul mood. Peeta is such a bright-eyed, warm personality and I try really hard most days to hide my worry and concern and just enjoy the radiance of his love for me and for life.

But his comments about the approaching seasons just stir up a new fear and dread – the next Hunger Games.

As a victor, I will be expected to mentor the female tribute each year. Not only will I have to relive my own experience each year, but I will have to endure the heartbreak of the most-likely death of the district's tributes.

Haymitch won during the 50th Hunger Games. It was nearly 25 years before our district had another winner. 25 years of watching kids die. 25 years of getting to know them personally, trying our best to keep them alive, only to watch them succumb to the cruelty of the Capitol.

No amount of radiance will lighten this mood. I excuse myself and go to my room. The tears have already started to flow before I even hit the bed.

The day my prep team arrived, I was rushed out of bed and into the flurry of preparations for the big photo shoot. Effie dictated the schedule, Cinna and the dream team removed the district layer from my body, and my mother somehow found small moments to slip me small portions of food and drink.

Peeta was off-limits today as it was considered back luck for the groom-to-be to see the bride-to-be before the wedding day. _Bad luck_. That made me laugh a little. If only they had any idea about how misfortunate my life was.

Still, I managed to smile the biggest smiles, and _perform_ to the best of my ability.

The next day, Prim came home telling us about the required programming that would be airing tonight. "My teacher said it was going to be about the wedding gown photo shoot, she said"

When the appointed time came, we gathered around the television and Caesar appeared on the screen, blue hair beaming, raving about the beautiful gowns and how close the vote had been.

They showed several pictures of each dress, and alas announced which dress had won the competition. It was a long white lace dress covered in endless pearls. It was truly elegant, but seemed so out of place on my body.

I was just about to turn off the television, when the announcer asked the audience to stay tuned for a special message from President Snow.

My blood turned cold at the thought of having to see his face and hear his voice, but for some reason, I was fixated on the television screen and didn't move.

He walked to the podium and announced that it was time for the reading of the card. Of course, this year was the 75th annual Hunger Games. The 3rd Quarter Quell. Each quell was marked by some sort of special rules to raise the level of intensity.

The last quell was the year that Haymitch emerged as the victor. His games were highlighted by the rule change specifying that double the amount of tributes were reaped. I couldn't even picture in my head what it must have been like to face 47 others in the arena. 23 was bad enough.

Snow selected a card clearly marked with a 75 and began to read. "On the seventy-fifth anniversary, as a reminder to the rebels that even the strongest among them cannot overcome the power of the Capitol, the male and female tributes will be reaped from their existing pool of victors," he says. Then some sort of remark from the announcer and the screen goes black.

I continue to stare at it and eventually the sound of crying and moaning pierces my ears. I realize that it's me making those noises. I realize now that all the _calmness_ and sense of normalcy has been instantly erased with the simple announcement that I am going back into another arena.

I can't believe what I just heard. Sure I was dreading the thought of having to mentor someone, but this is on a level all its own.

The front door swings open and I am instantly up and into his arms. Peeta has tears streaming down his face, but continues to tell me that he will protect me and that we will get through this. Radiant hope. It is never far from Peeta, even in the face of such devastating news.

My mother and Prim leave us alone in the living room and we just sit in each other's embrace. I am struck by how far we have come in less than a year. I am in love. I don't deny it, I actually had begun to embrace it.

Now, it is being ripped away from me. This is the reason I never wanted it to happen in the first place. I was scared of losing something that would be so ingrained in my heart and my nightmare was coming true.

While Peeta continued to tell me how he would protect me and would do everything necessary to ensure that I went on, that I came home, I was silently thinking of how it was his turn. In our last games Haymitch had obviously decided to throw all his support behind me.

I got the food, the medicine and anything else necessary to give me the edge to survive. Peeta had benefited because I was around to help him in the end, but Haymitch had chosen sides. I decided at that moment that I would convince Haymitch to help me save Peeta.

I have had so much trouble showing my love for this boy, but I would give the ultimate gift of life by sacrificing my own to prove to him that it was so much more than an act. It was truly my heart's desire to love him.

Over the next two months, we train like careers. All three of us as Haymitch is just as eligible for the reaping as Peeta is. We all know Peeta will volunteer if Haymitch is chosen, but Haymitch plays along.

Gale even puts his dislike for Peeta aside and helps us with our training. I am thankful for Gale's understanding of my feelings for Peeta. He has been such a good friend to me for so many years. I will miss that.

When the day of the reaping comes, I am chosen as the female tribute and Haymitch is chosen as the male tribute, although, Peeta never lets Effie finish reading his name as he quickly volunteers. We both climb the steps of the Justice Building and hand in hand walk to the designated family rooms.

Once back on the train and speeding toward the Capitol, I take a few minutes to slowly release each of my loved ones from my heart and mind. I am preparing to never see them again and I take a few minutes to think of them, love them, and let them go.

When I feel Peeta's arms around my waist, I melt into them. I am so sad that I will never be able to marry this man. I never thought of myself as a good candidate for someone's wife, but I wanted to _learn_ how to be a good companion with Peeta.

Without thinking, I turn to Peeta and kiss him deeply on the lips and begin to tell him of the depth of my love.

"Peeta, I know that I have not been the easiest person to love. I wish that I had done more with the opportunities that we had together. I wish somehow I had given you the love that you deserved," I said.

"Katniss, I don't regret anything that has happened. Whatever caused us to come together like we did…it was perfect. You are a dream come true and I am thankful for having had the opportunity to love _and_ be loved by you," he replied.

"But I don't want you to talk as if you are saying goodbye," he continued. "We aren't dead yet. We are together right now and we have a chance. You have to have hope and fight with all that is in you, never letting a chance slip by to take what you want," he said.

His last words hit me like a ton of bricks. _He is right_ I thought. It was another moment of instant clarity and I looked into those strong blue eyes and asked him, "Peeta, marry me. Marry me right now, right here."

Shock and surprise, replaced quickly by a look of overflowing joy. In our district, we don't need the fancy wedding ceremony, dresses, parties or any of that stuff. We are a simple district with rich tradition. The toasting, which is our form of a wedding ceremony, is what symbolizes the commitment of the man and woman when they decide to get married.

Sure, most couples that can afford it go to the Justice Building and get a license that says they are officially married, but their anniversary is always celebrated on the day of the toasting.

"Peeta, I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know that today is a day that can't be taken from us," I plead. "I want to grab this _opportunity_ to be your wife," I say using his very words as my reason for being this spontaneous.

We quickly bring Haymitch, Effie, Cinna, Portia and the style teams up to speed on our plans. Haymitch just grins at me with a look of approval. Effie seems to be thrown off guard, but relents to our request. Cinna wraps me in a warm embrace and leads me to my room to help me get ready.

I am nervous, but overjoyed at the thought of being able to give Peeta this little bit of happiness. The kitchen staff prepares a small loaf of bread and we light the fireplace in the sitting area. When I emerge from my room in a simple, soft orange dress, Peeta stops and stares.

Just like I did before we arrived in District 4 on the tour, I give a quick spin to show off the flowing garment and Peeta smiles approvingly.

We kneel by the fire and slice two pieces of the loaf. With long forks we slowly toast our individual pieces of bread and then turn to face each other.

"Peeta, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life as your wife, your friend, your soul mate. You have made each day of my life special in so many ways, and I am honored to faithfully pledge my life to you," I say.

"Katniss, you have made me the happiest man alive since you were just five years-old. I love you more everyday of our lives and can't believe that I am here with you right now celebrating a toasting and beginning our lives together as husband and wife. I will protect you from this day forward and will never stop loving you, standing by you, and honoring this commitment to you I make today," he said.

With those words, we each offer our slices of bread to each other. After the bread is finished, we kiss for the first time as man and wife. Peeta has a tear on his cheek and I am crying as well. This was nearly perfect. Of course I wish my mother, Prim and even Gale could have been here to witness this and celebrate with us, but we don't live in a world where happily ever-after is common.

After enjoying a dinner with our friends, we retire to my bedroom for the night. Walking down the hall I am excited and nervous. While I was quick to jump on board with the idea of being married, I hadn't really thought about the _after-party_. I am instantly nervous and consumed with anxiety.

But a part of me is excited at letting go of any limits and boundaries and enjoying, even if for just a moment, this spiritual act of love. Peeta, in his most gentlemanly manor, offers to refrain from the traditional wedding night activities. "I don't expect you to do anything you are not comfortable with Katniss. Being married to you is more than I ever hoped for," he said.

In that moment, I know that we will be quickly distracted with fear and worry as we prepare for the games. I know that this may be our only chance to enjoy a little bit of the dream – a life without fear of loss and pain. I answer his gesture with a smile and a deep kiss.

We find our way to the bed and through some disorganized process, disrobe each other. I expected to feel self-conscious, but somehow Peeta has managed to steal away all my fears and worry tonight.

We find ourselves entangled to the point that it is impossible to know where one begins and one ends. As if we were meant to be – like two pieces to the puzzle, we are together.

Sometime later that night, I am staring at a sleeping Peeta and I am filled with a love that I never knew. That love has me deeply committed to fulfilling my desire to protect him and see to it that his life continues. I am just glad that I have given him happy memories of _us_ to hold onto.

Tomorrow the fear and worry will return. The preparation time will be short and most likely will dampen our energy and feelings. So I move closer to Peeta and bury my head in his chest and just breathe in the moment.

It took so many small steps throughout the past months to grow to this point, but looking back we have made enormous leaps in our passion and commitment to one another.

I smile as I look at Peeta one more time before drifting off to sleep. I know that our union won't be recognized in the Capitol, but tonight I drift off with the thought of how special I feel to be Katniss Mellark.

**A/N: **Alas we have arrived at the end. I started this story out with the hope of showing what I envisioned as a possibility if Katniss had given in to the feelings she had for Peeta – the ones deep down throughout all three HG books, sooner. Yes, we get the semi-happy ending at the end of MJ, but this story depicted what it may have looked like if MJ feelings were there post-first games together. So I hope I have accomplished that, even just a little bit. As mentioned before, I think this line of thinking and imagination would fit into the original storyline from this point forward, so that is the reason for ending my fic pre-quell.

This particular chapter had more actual storyline reference than I really wanted, but it was so hard to get through the plot line without sticking to the wonderful outline provided by SC. So I apologize for the long periods of paraphrasing the great works of the original books. Hopefully there were enough twists and differences in there to make it somewhat of a fun read. I also tried not to get too graphic with the marriage night scene as I think we can all use our imagination there and I just don't think it's appropriate to write about such things with such a wide range audience. I also adhere to my belief that a physical _union_ belongs in the marital bed only, so that is the reason for the spur of the moment wedding ceremony. Call me traditional with values.

I am planning to do small one-shots of different parts of the "quell", and different parts of MJ. I am also thinking of a post MJ – pre Epilogue multi-chapter story.

I hope you enjoyed the read and welcome any comments and feedback!


	12. The Story Continues - AN Only

A/N: Hey there faithful followers...

I have continued the storyline started in Small Steps with a new story called The Next Games. This story will be a series of one-shots (a few chapters) to hit on some of the various parts of the Quell that I thought might look a little different based on the character traits I created in this story. I am using that to bridge to my own version of Ending MJ - Pre-Epilogue story.

Here is the link:

Next Games

Thanks!


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